Captain: Yes your leader said that you are to release me as well!\n\nAlien: This is highly unlikely.....\n\nCaptain: Would this face lie?\n\nYou put out your bottom lip and widen your eyes.... Where a human would consider this a cute face... to the aliens this is a "fuck you!".\n\nYou are impaled by your own spine above the urine pits of Plup Pyuk Tu.\n\n[[END.]]

The ground is soft, but the tunnel takes months to dig as you only have a spoon.\n\nCaptain: I think I see light!\n\nSteve: Yes! Oh God thankyou!\n\nThe tunnel starts to collapse, you had no material for supports after all....\n\n[[Push past Steve.]]\n\n[[Hold the tunnel up.]]

B'Luvians are strict vegetarians, you remember this before you take the first bite, but decide to continue anyway....\n\nAmbassador: Are you enjoying your meal Captain?\n\nCaptain: Could do with some sauce....\n\nAmbassador: You do realise this means war......\n\nCaptain: Awww come on!\n\nThe history books will remember what happens next as the Burger Wars, unfortunately the B'Luvians win; forcing eveyone to become vegans. The human race become pale zombies, most die out within months due to malnutrition.\n\n[[END.]]

Security quickly bursts into the room...\n\nGuard: Where's the Captain?!\n\nSteve: What?!\n\nCaptain: In here!\n\nGuard: Steve's kidnapped the Captain! Get him!\n\nAfter a bit of a beating......Steve is taken to the brig, you're too embarrassed to tell the truth. His career with the Federation is cut short... Oh well....\n\n[[END.]]

Doctor: What can you tell me about Ensign Steve?\n\nCaptain: He's just so damn handsome!\n\nDoctor: I think you need to address thse issues you have Captain....\n\n[[Confront Ensign Steve.]]\n\n[[Sneak into Steve's quarters.]]

Captain: OK team! we're nearing our destination....life support on the wreckage is gone! We have no idea what we'll be running into, or if there are any survivors....\n\n[[Speak to Officer Jane Dawkins.]]\n\n[[Speak to Ensign Steve.]]\n\n[[Speak to Security Officer.]]\n\n[[Enter wreckage.]]

Captain: Are you the one that sent the distress signal?\n\nQuarn: Tell me Captain... does your ship have a consignment of cashew nuts?\n\nCaptain: What?!\n\nQuarn: HOW MANY?!

You build a new place for humans and other aliens to live. A successful mining colony, bustling with trade. You may be an enemy to the Federation, but they eventually (and reluctantly) accept your place in the galaxy.\n\n[[END.]]

You have been demoted to the position of second in command of your own ship. The new captain is an arsehole. He shoots down any suggestion that you might have.\n\n[[Kill the new captain.]]\n\n[[Leave the Federation.]]

You remind the Admiral about the time you both went to a notorious brothel on Persius IV. You walk out of the building with 2 years salary, an office computer, and a smile on your face.\n\n[[END.]]

SpaceTwine.

Thank you for playing Space Twine!\n\nRestart the game, there are many paths to go, many different endings!\n\nOldschool_Wolf.

The mining operation has given the federation many valuable resources, it would have continued to do so if you had stayed. The mission is considered profitable, but you are dissappointed by the results.\n\nThe death of Ensign Steve weighs heavily on your conscience...\n\n[[END.]]\n\n[[Commit suicide.]]

The wedding is a grand spectacle, the entire crew and Alien tribes from across the planet are in attendance. After much partying it is time to consumate the marriage.\n\nYou forgot to consult the ship's doctor on this species' anatomy...you are unsure what to do...there are multiple orifices...\n\n[[Between the legs?]]\n\n[[Hole in the forehead?]]

Captain: Well it's obviously broken! *AHEM* Steve... help me out would ya?\n\nYou enter the wreckage of the Federation vessel, your team close behind.\n\nSecurity Officer Sugar: I'm detecting heat signatures nearby sir.\n\nEnsign Steve: It could be survivors!\n\nCaptain: Well perhaps you'd like to go and have a look Steve?\n\nSteve:.............\n\n[[Send Ensign Steve.]]\n\n[[Send Officer Jane.]]\n\n[[Send Officer Sugar.]]\n\n[[Go yourself.]]

Captain: I'm sorry It had to be this way.... I respect your decision Steve.\n\nEnsign Steve: Make it easier on yourself Captain....It's not too late to hand yourself in....\n\nThe hangar contains three small ships, they are neccessary for away missions and supportive combat, but you respect the crew's wishes to leave.\n\nYou no longer have any support ships. Half your crew is gone. You could either find the nearest pirate haven or poach alien survivors from the planet.\n\n[[Recruit merceneries.]]\n\n[[Recruit aliens from the planet.]]

The sex was good, but was it worth it? Yes.. I suppose it was. You have been caught out by the aliens though, they are repulsed by your lack of respect. The deal is off.\n\nAfter returning to Earth you are brought before the Admiral. He is not pleased with the way you handled things. You are to be demoted.\n\n[[Accept demotion.]]\n\n[[Make a scene.]]

Your father lives on the desert moon of Plo'Quee...\n\nCaptain: Dad... it's me...\n\nDad: ARRRRGGGGHHH!!\n\nCaptain: Dad?\n\nDad:

Ah sex education! Your favourite subject at school. Teams of people have been allocated to hand out contraceptive devices, the population boom has subsided.\n\nThe mining operation has suffered with less people working on it, but the planet is a happier place to live.\n\n[[END.]]

Captain: Oh my stomach.....\n\nAlien: What's wrong with you?\n\nSteve: He's dreadfully ill... he needs medical attention!\n\nAlien: So what? You're to be executed tomorrow anyway...\n\nCaptain: You bastard!\n\nAlien: AHA! I knew you where faking it!\n\n[[Grab the alien.]]\n\n[[Offer alien last of the vodka.]]

Executing Steve puts an end to the rebellion, it also puts an end to your plan of turning that erotic fiction into fact...at least the book sold well.\n\n[[END.]]

The Alien leader's daughter is a hideous beast to behold, but you are a loyal member of the Federation, willing to do anything necessary. The night before the wedding there is a great celebration!\n\nYou are approached by Petty Officer Jane Dawkins, extremely beautiful, you've had a thing for her for a while. She is offering you a no strings attached one night stand, since this is the last night as a bachelor.\n\n[[Have sex with Jane.]]\n\n[[Politely decline.]]

Weeks later lying in bed....\n\nVoice: We have a voice.....\n\nCaptain: Hello? Who's there?\n\nVoice: We have many names.... but you may refer to us as....Jutravian Herpes.\n\nCaptain: You've got to be kidding me!\n\nVoice: You will do as we say...or great pain...you will experience!\n\nLater........\n\n[[Fight the herpes!]]\n\n[[Do as commanded.]]

You find it hard to speak to Steve....so write him a letter....unfortunately you manage to lose the envelope....only for it to be picked up by the ship's cook (a tentacled beast). \n\nChef: Captain may we speak?\n\nCaptain: Yes of course Chef!\n\nChef: I just wanted to let you know... I feel the same way...\n\nCaptain confused (Must be about the menu changes I proposed.)\n\nChef: Meet me in my room tonight.....\n\n[[END.]]

Cannibalism is considered a terrible sin by the aliens, you are to be hung by your nostril hairs above the acid pits oh N'Yuk N'yan Nee!\n\n[[END.]]

Federation technology easily outmatches the pirates outdated tech. Some remaining ships join you out of fear.\n\n[[Unite the pirate clans.]]\n\n[[Raid the nearest Federation outpost.]]

The chef is a Kranulian, an alien with many tentacles. They say his quiche is legendary.\n\nChef: Ah captain! So good to see you!\n\nCaptain: And you my friend! Need any help?\n\nChef: So kind of you! Could you get me some Zagraxian pepper? It's in a black bottle....\n\n[[Top shelf.]]\n\n[[The stuff under the sink.]]

Officer Dawkins: They say he cannot be killed....that his sexual prowess is famous throughout the land...\n\nCaptain: STEVE?! You're talking about Steve?! He's the rebel leader!\n\nOfficer Dawkins: I'm afraid so Sir. I have the coordinates of his camp right here. It seems he married one of the tribe leader's daughters to secure an alliance.\n\n[[Guided missile.]]\n\n[[Bring him in alive.]]

Mother did never let you into the kitchen....... you pour the entire contents into the pot.\n\nChef: Not too much Captain!......you want to try?\n\nCaptain (cross eyed): Hmmmmmm...\n\n[[No thanks.]]\n\n[[Sure!]]

A plasma bolt to the brain would ensure your demise...however you somehow manage to mess it up...the bolt bounces around the room before destroying your genitals.\n\n[[END.]]

Captain: I'm sorry Ensign Steve.... but I have no choice...\n\nYou round up the main mutineers. Putting a lazer round through each of their skulls in full view of the crew ensures that everyone else remains loyal. You have only lost a third of your crew (many staying out of fear).\n\n[[Establish a base on the planet.]]\n\n[[Find the nearest Pirate Haven.]]

Steve glares at you...\n\nSteve: What is that?\n\nCaptain: Just some bbq sauce...\n\nSteve: We're supposed to be sharing our food...\n\nCaptain: Hey... I didn't say anything when you found that mint behind the computer!\n\nSteve lunges towards you, the sachet falls onto the floor.\n\nSteve: Look what you've done!\n\nSteve strangles you to death.... eventually succumbing to cannibalism, prolonging his life on your flesh.\n\n[[END.]]

Your men bring in a bearded Steve, his clothes are worn from battle.\n\nCaptain: I barely recognise you....\n\nSteve: These past few months have been rough, but if it means putting an end to you....it's worth it!\n\nCaptain: A shame... I had such grand plans for you.....\n\nSteve: I know about your "grand plans", I found that erotic fiction you've been working on!\n\nCaptain: I was hoping to turn that fiction into fact...maybe I still can!\n\n[[Execute Steve.]]\n\n[[Put Steve in prison.]]

Captain: Oh my god.... what have I done?!.........\n\nYou shake Steve's corpse.\n\nCaptain: Steve! I'm so sorry Steve!\n\n[[Hide the body.]]\n\n[[Pretend to be Steve.]]

Jane: That's right...send the woman! Coward!\n\nCaptain: You're the one always complaining about equal opportunities!\n\nVoice: I expected more from the great Captain Cornelius....\n\n[[The stranger.]]

The door blasts open, sending the alien flying. You manage to get back to your ship eventually. A funeral is held for Steve, as captain you must give a speech.\n\nCaptain: I've worked with Steve for almost a year now.... in that time I felt I got to know him more than anyone on the ship.\n\nCaptain: He uh liked to do....stuff.....and uuuhh.....\n\nSilence.\n\nCaptain: Well he gave a good back rub I guess......God knows i'll miss that...uuuhh......Jane let's just shoot the coffin out of the airlock and be done with it...\n\n[[END.]]

Your sexual prowess impresses your new wife. \n\nYou live happily and father many hundreds of children. On the 12th year of marriage your head is consumed by your wife.... a custom you neglected to research.\n\n[[END.]]

Using a complicated armature of poles and string, you now have the ability to control Steve's body like some kind of macabe marionette. No one seems to notice...... until the rot sets in...\n\n[[END.]]

You are brought before the Earth's courts to answer for your crimes....they are numerous.\n\nJudge: What have you to say traitor?!\n\n[[Plead insanity.]]\n\n[[Admit guilt.]]

Steve: Sir?.....erm Sarah? You've been staring into space for almost an hour now.....\n\nYou begin to foam at the mouth.........\n\nCaptain: NEEEEEEEEAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHH!\n\nThe officers look around at eachother confused....\n\nCaptain (Turns to face Steve): We must create a new bloodline...you and I.... togethor we will birth the ender of worlds.... mate with me Steve......NOW!\n\nYou lunge towards Steve, but before you get to him one of the officers takes you down with a lazer....\n\n[[END.]]

You didn't really like Steve to begin with, he was one of those people that liked to lick arse to climb the employment ladder.\n\nHe tasted pretty good with bbq sauce.\n\n[[END.]]

Buggery is considered a sin by the aliens, a crime punishable by death, you are to be hanged by your testicles above the flame pits of Ky'Thar until you expire!\n\n[[END.]]

The merceneries are expensive, but the large mineral deposit on the planet will finance this easily. You become a mercenery yourself, killing for the highest bidder.\n\nYears later you eventually run in to a Federation fleet, you realised long ago this was inevitable.\n\nYou are contacted by one of the ships.\n\nCaptain: Steve?!\n\nCaptain Steve: That's right fuck nugget! Hand yourself in or prepare to be vaporised!\n\n[[Give up.]]\n\n[[Fight!]]

After catching you talking to your salad in full view of the crew, they lock you in the med unit.\n\nAmbassador: We've been looking for you Leaf Prince....\n\nSalad: A B'Luvian?! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!\n\nAmbassador: NOM! NOM! NOM! NOM!\n\n[[END.]]

Captain: Fucking chickens!

The party last until the late hours of the night, even Steve seems to be enjoying himself.\n\nOne of the female aliens approaches you, at least you think it's a female...\n\nAlien: It would be a great honour if you would join me in my tent.\n\nCaptain: Well...that's a very nice tent...uhh....what...what would we be doing in this aforementioned tent?\n\nAlien: We would do the dance of the Kl'Kyok Ta.\n\nCaptain: Dancing? Well I'm not a very good dancer....\n\nThe alien steps towards you.\n\n[[Go to the tent.]]\n\n[[Run.]]

Your special police maintain order, though some of your people are taking advantage of their newfound powers. The aliens begin to fear you.\n\n[[Make an example of crooked police.]]\n\n[[Encourage bad behaviour.]]

The mess hall is full of crew members eating lunch and talking.\n\n[[Bug the chef.]]\n\n[[Speak to the B'Luvian Ambassador.]]

You hide in Steve's wardrobe....waiting for him to finish his shift.\n\nSteve: Thank god for that... having to work with these idiots all day takes its toll! Especially that fucking Captain! He's the biggest fool of them all!\n\n[[Attack him.]]\n\n[[Stay still.]]

You thought that was the button to open the doors, you where wrong...\nThe escape pod blasts off towards the planet, empty.\n\nSteve: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! BASTARD!!!\n\nCaptain: Now now Steve... let's talk about this...\n\n[[Grab vodka bottle.]]\n\n[[Accept beating.]]

Captain: You bastard!\n\nSteve: What the?!\n\nYou start to strangle Steve.....\n\nCaptain: I loved you! Why couldn't you see that!\n\nSteve: Please!..... *GLURK* ....Sir!.....\n\n[[Snap his neck.]]\n\n[[Let go.]]

You become known as a fearsome pirate Admiral. Raiding alien and human outposts. Feared throughout the sector!\n\n[[END.]]

The crew find your body weeks later, being picked apart by animals.\n\nSteve: Who will be Captain now? *AHEM*\n\nSteve: Who was there with the Captain in all his adventures?\n\nSteve: Who was there to clean up his puke?.....\n\nOfficer Dawkins: It's not going to happen Steve....\n\n[[END.]]

Captain: Hey there sugar...\n\nSteve: Sir....\n\n[[Investigate the Federation wreckage.]]

Soon the Aliens have eradicated all other life. Some of these tribes where pacifists, they did not deserve to die. The mining operation continues to reward the federation however.\n\n[[END.]]

You return to Earth and enter a new exciting career in dairy farming!\n\n[[END.]]

Sugar: Let's do this!\n\nCaptain: OK BRO!\n\nSugar: What did you call me?\n\nCaptain: Isn't that what you people call eachother?\n\nSugar: What do you mean YOU people?!\n\nVoice: A pleasure to meet you Captain...\n\n[[The stranger.]]

A figure in a blue robe approaches you, you can't make out a face....but there are two blue lights burning bright where eyes should be...\n\nBlue hood: You need to stop this Cornelius...\n\nCaptain: Stop what?!\n\nBlue hood: The repetition, close the internet browser now! You are causing irreparable damage to the threads of existance....\n\nCaptain: Who are you? Are you crazy or what?!\n\nBlue hood: My name is Greyson.....\n\n[[END.]]

You leave the room...ashamed of yourself. Steve leaves the Federation shortly afterwards...\n\n[[END.]]

Captain: I could eat a horse....\n\n[[Horse burger.]]\n\n[[Salad.]]

Captain: Ensign Steve... you have the bridge...\n\nSteve: Seriously? All right!\n\nCaptain: I'm going to stretch my legs, try not to send us into a black hole or anything...\n\nSteve: I'm not seeing any nearby sir....\n\nCaptain: They're black! of course you can't see them!\n\nSteve: ...........\n\n[[Mess hall.]]\n\n[[Engineering.]]\n\n[[Sick bay.]]

What follows is possibly the best sex you've ever had...one problem. This particular alien female is the daughter of the tribe leader. In this culture, a female's virginity is used in business deals.\n\nYou are burned to death upon the pyre of Klwn'Khayk'Mo\n\n[[END.]]

The aliens recognise what a just person you are. Several weeks some of the ex police break out of the brig and murder you in your own bedroom.\n\nYou could have defended yourself, but you where watching alien porn at the time...\n\n[[END.]]

You start punching your genitals.....\n\nCaptain: DIE!\n\nHerpes: You cannot defeat us!\n\nCaptain: Yes I can!\n\nYou grab the laser pistol from under your pillow.....\n\n[[END.]]

Captain: I'm Bobbin Threadbare! Are you my mother?\n\nYou are sent to an asylum for the criminally insane.... You spend your days pretending to be crazy, your nights buggered by a large gentleman by the name of Boris.\n\n[[END.]]

Captain: Hey there Sugar...\n\nSecurity Officer Felix Sugar: What's up Cap?\n\n[[Investigate the Federation wreckage.]]

Keeping Steve alive was a mistake, he still had friends among the crew. They managed to turn off the oxygen to your cabin.... erotic asphyxiation isn't the worst way to go I suppose....\n\n[[END.]]

Captain: Come on twat face!\n\nSteve steps into the hallway....\n\nSteve: AAAAHHHHHH!\n\nCaptain: Oh SHIT! Xenomorph!\n\nJane: A What?!\n\nThe crew ready their weapons....\n\nCaptain: FIRE!\n\nAfter the cacophony of plasma bolts and lazer rounds subsides, Steve's charred corpse falls back through the door......A mouse runs out.....\n\nSecurity Officer Sugar: That's a Xenomorph?\n\nOfficer Jane shakes her head.\n\nVoice: I've been waiting for you Captain Cornelius....\n\n[[The stranger.]]

The alien has been attending Alcoholics Anonymous for the last 3 years, he is not pleased.\n\nAlien: You do realise I've been sober for a year now....\n\nYou are lectured on the evils of alcohol for many hours, before being (with some relief I might add) put to death.\n\n[[END.]]

Captain: You know what... let's put Ensign Steve's coffin in the missile....I think he'd think that was a cool way to go.\n\nOfficer Jane: Sir....I'd think he'd find that horrendously disrespectful!\n\nCaptain: COFFIN GO BOOM!\n\nYou send out a nuclear missile, far away enough from the mining operation to cause no damage. But close enough for the aliens to fear your power. They begin to worship you as a God.\n\n[[END.]]

You have called a meeting with your senior officers, they await you in the conference room. As you walk in you get some strange looks.\n\nSteve: Captain?\n\nCaptain: That is no longer my name... you are to refer to me as Sarah.....\n\nThe officers look uncomfortable, some sniggering at the way you are dressed.\n\nSteve: Sir?.....\n\nAs you take your seat you adjust your skirt, then check your makeup in the mirror.\n\nCaptain: Ahem....now to business...\n\n[[Go feral.]]\n\n[[Create crazy laws.]]

Oldschool_Wolf.

Steve: I took a supplementary class in negotiation at the academy! Leave this to me sir!\n\nYou are too drunk to notice what Steve is saying, but whatever he said it wasn't very effective.\nWhen you sober up you realise that you and Steve have been put into prison.\n\n[[Dig a tunnel.]]\n\n[[Pretend to be sick.]]

Doctor: Captain! That STD still bothering you?\n\n[[Psych eval.]]\n\n[[Sexual health check.]]

Steve steps into the escape pod, as it moves away you see him holding up the bottle of vodka... he waves it at you.... grinning.\n\nCaptain: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!\n\n[[END.]]

Welcome to SpaceTwine version 2!\n(Updated to V2 30th June 2013)\n\nSpaceTwine is all about finding as many different paths and endings as you can, stories might be considered quite short, but there are tons to read!\n\nAs of V2: \t5,771 words - 130 passages.\n\nPressing back in the browser should send you to the previous decision.\n\n[[Bridge.]]

Captain: Hey there sugar...\n\nOfficer Jane: Sir.....need I remind you about Federation policy on sexual harrassment?\n\nCaptain: You do that at least twice a week Jane....\n\n[[Investigate the Federation wreckage.]]

After a few minutes of prodding and blood tests.....\n\nDoctor: You want the good news or the bad news?\n\nCaptain: Good news....\n\nDoctor: Your penis isn't THAT small.....the bad news.... you have Jutravian Herpes....\n\nCaptain: The worst kind!\n\nDoctor: You really need to stop having sex with all these aliens....\n\n[[Amputation.]]\n\n[[Leave it.]]

You become the king of the Pirates. Known and feared throughout the galaxy!\n\n[[END.]]

Captain: Hey Steve! I've been reading a book about this Stalin fellow...he had some cool ideas!\n\nSteve: ..............\n\nTotalitarian laws are put into place, you are unpopular with the aliens, but they know their place.\n\nSteve: I can't be a part of this any longer!\n\nEnsign Steve makes his way towards the door.\n\nCaptain: Steve? Who's going to give me my evening back rub now? STEVE?!\n\nMonths later.........\n\nOfficer Jane Dawkins: Sir! We have reports that some of the aliens are rebelling!\n\n[[Find the rebel's leader.]]\n\n[[Indoctrinate the aliens.]]

Steve: Sir?\n\nCaptain: *CRUNCH* *CRUNCH*\n\nSteve: Sir? The mission.\n\nCaptain: Fuck me I love these...you want some? They're honey roasted!\n\nSteve: Thank you sir, but you must make a decision....who knows what danger any survivors might be in!\n\nCaptain: HEY! I didn't say take that many!\n\nSteve: I'm sorry sir....\n\nCaptain: Well... they are good... I'll be shitting up a storm tomorrow though....\n\n

Captain: With immediate effect, all men should walk with only their left foot.... Thursdays it will be illegal to breath.....\n\nSteve: It's Thursday today sir....\n\nCaptain: Then you'd best hold your breath Steve...\n\nSteve: Sir?!\n\nCaptain: I told you it's Sarah... now hold your breath... or face the penalty!\n\nEnsign Steve manages to hold his breath for at least 2 minutes....\n\nSteve: *COUGH* Sir please... I can't!\n\nCaptain: Seize him!\n\nThe other crew members seize someone, but it isn't Steve.....\n\n[[END.]]

Well it turns out the particular trees in this wood are sentient beings....\n\nTree: Hey you!\n\nCaptain: Who said that?\n\nTree: What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?!\n\nCaptain: I'm cold....\n\nTree: That was Harold you just murdered!\n\nYou are wrapped in vines, the life squeezed out of you....\n\n[[END.]]

You are sent to a maximum security prison planet for 1000 years, 500 if you behave yourself!\n\n[[END.]]

The aliens are becoming a happy and healthier society. Their lifespan is considerably improved, putting a strain on the planet's natural resources. Your science officer informs you that the aliens are now headed for a dark future.\n\n[[Do nothing.]]\n\n[[Take over leadership of the planet.]]

You quickly push past Steve and jump into the escape pod. You sigh with relief, but soon realise there is a proton missile coming from the ship and heading in your direction.\n\nCaptain: FUUUUUUCK!!\n\n[[END.]]

Captain: Ah Phil... how runs my ship?\n\nPhil: Like a Huploxian Molestor sir!\n\nCaptain: Excellent.... I think....\n\nYou notice that Phil is keeping Tyutronian Chickens in cages next to the warp core.... they are being kept in uncomfortable conditions....\n\n[[Chastise Phil.]]\n\n[[Sample the goods.]]

Doctor: I'm sorry Cornelius.... It's the only way.\n\nCaptain: NOOOOOOOO!!!!\n\nYou step down as Captain shortly afterwards, after all.... how can one be a space captain if he can't rail alien chicks? It's in the job description for Christ's sake!\n\n[[END.]]

You step into the hallway, It's pretty dark. You are confronted by a dark figure...\n\n[[The stranger.]]

Doctor: What was your relationship like with your father?\n\nCaptain: My father had some crazy ideas....for years he would talk backwards....\n\nDoctor: You need to resolve these issues you have with your father Captain.\n\n[[Go to cabin and drink.]]

After shooting Steve's body out the nearest airlock you sigh with relief...\n\nCaptain: *SIGH*\n\nLater.....\n\nOfficer Jane: Has anyone seen Steve?\n\nCaptain: Nope.....(As Steve's body floats past the window behind you...).\n\n[[END.]]\n

They call you Hitler's BFF back on Earth... but the Federation turns a blind eye due to the success of your mining operation, considering you a neccessary evil.\n\n[[Iron fist.]]\n\n[[Go mad with power.]]

A plasma bolt to the new Captain's skull proves effective in killing him, it was also effective in securing you a comfortable bed in the brig. You are returned to Earth to answer for your crimes!\n\n[[Plead insanity.]]\n\n[[Admit guilt.]]

The team is at the airlock, you fumble at the clasp of your oxygen mask....\n\nCaptain: Who designed this bloody thing?\n\nJane: Sir... that's a Krynovian space suit, they are renowned for their ergonomic and engineering skills.... it is designed so that a child could operate it...\n\n[[Ask for help.]]\n\n[[It's probably fine...]]

As you grab the alien his blaster accidently goes off, killing Steve.\n\nCaptain: Steve! NOOOOO!!\n\nAlien: HAH! You idiot!\n\n[[Shoot the alien.]]\n\n[[Shoot the lock.]]

Ambassador: Ah Captain! I trust you enjoyed that bottle of vodka I gave you!\n\nCaptain: I'm saving it for a special occasion!\n\nAmbassador: Don't drink too much Captain.....aha...\n\nCaptain: Hm......yes....\n\nAmbassador: Indeed....\n\n[[Order alcohol.]]\n\n[[Order food.]]

Captain: Do you realise how many regulations you are breaking Phil! The poor things are cramped in those cages!\n\nPhil: Sorry sir......\n\nYou release the chickens, they run around the room....\n\nCaptain: Awwww they are so CUTE!!!\n\nOne of the chickens jumps onto a control panel....activating the warp core...\n\n[[END.]]

You are Captain Cornelius, of the Earth Space Federation. You have been sent to charter an unexplored planet recently discovered by a deep space probe.\n\nYou are required by Federation law to uphold the Alpha Directive.\n\n[[Search for life.]]\n\n[[Walk the ship.]]

The pirates are reluctant to trust you, they threaten to open fire. The vast horde of minerals could be used as a bargaining chip.\n\n[[Open fire.]]\n\n[[Forge an alliance.]]

You pick up a bottle of vodka, it was a gift from an alien whos race you are on the brink of war with....you realise that the war is inevitable.......you start to drink from the bottle.\n\nIf you are not brave enough to confront your past.....how could you be worthy of captaining a starship, leading your people...to victory?\n\nSteve: It's OK captain... (placing his hand on your shoulder).\n\nCaptain: Steve? How did you get in here?\n\nSteve: SHHHHHH!!! (placing his finger on your lip). Love me Cornelius...LOVE ME!\n\nYou awake to find Steve shaking you from the dream.\n\nSteve: Wake up you bloody idiot!\n\n[[END.]]

Chef: No the other bottle...\n\nCaptain: I know, I know.... you think I don't know what Zagraxian pepper looks like? Put that on your dick and she comes faster than a freight train!\n\nThe broth is enjoyed by all.\n\nCookery + 1.\n\n[[END.]]

Many drinks later.......\n\nCaptain: You got a funny face Ambassador, a funny stupid face!\n\nAmbassador: Never have I been so insulted! In my culture...this is grounds for war!\n\nCaptain: You wanna war bitch! You got it! Officer Dawkins... push this guy outta the nearest airlock!\n\nOfficer Dawkins: Sir...I'm not so sure that's a good idea.....\n\nThe Ambassador and his entourage make it to their ship, they fly away to their homeworld. The war lasted many years, millions died, just because you had too much to drink.... how does that make you feel?\n\n[[END.]]

Weeks later.....what little food the ship had left is gone, so is the vodka. You begin to look at Steve as a potential meal.... but there is a sachet of bbq sauce you've been saving for a special occasion.\n\n[[Eat the bbq sauce.]]\n\n[[Kill Steve.]]

Ensign Steve: I have it on screen now captain, the signal is weak....the picture will be fuzzy....It seems to originate from a crashed Federation ship.\n\nVoice: Ship.....unde.....atta......hel........cashew nuts........\n\nSteve: Sir?\n\nCaptain: I do like cashew nuts.....hm...\n\n[[Investigate the Federation wreckage.]]\n\n[[Score a bag of cashews.]]

The aliens join you out of fear... but they hold resentment for what you have done to their home. They take over your ship and kill you. Most violently I might add.\n\nCaptain: I regret nothing you alien bastard!\n\nAlien: May you be buggered by the devil himself!\n\n[[END.]]

You finish your water and return to the bridge.\n\nWhat? You wanted something cool to happen?\n\nAm I just some monkey behind a keyboard typing for your entertainment?! \n\n\t\t\t\t\t\tIS THAT ALL I AM TO YOU?!!!!\n\n[[Start]]

Captain: Ensign Steve! Set a course! For Jutravia V!\n\nSteve: But what about the mission sir?\n\nCaptain: This is the mission!\n\nLater on Jutravia V.....the Jutravian Sector Zoo....\n\nHerpes: OO! Over there!\n\nCaptain: *SIGH* how long do we have to do this....could we at least go and see the monkey habitat....monkeys are funny.\n\nHerpes: NO! I told you we came here for the seals! ....Aaw they're so cute!\n\n[[END.]]

You step into Steve's uniform, you check yourself out in the mirror.\n\nCaptain: Apart from the height, weight, and face... I look exactly like him! Incredible!\n\nYou manage to pass yourself off as Steve for all of ten seconds... they eventually find the corpse hidden in an air conditioning unit....badly hidden I might add.\n\n[[END.]]

Captain: I like to call this one the Anal Widener......\n\nThe aliens are showing worrying signs. they are becoming more antagonistic towards the other alien tribes, seizing land and murdering.\n\n[[Step in.]]\n\n[[Take no part.]]

Ensign Steve: Sir, I'm picking up a distress signal!\n\nCaptain: Finally some action! Where's it coming from?\n\nSteve: A nearby planetoid......Labia 4....it's a Federation signal!\n\n[[Investigate signal.]]

As the alien's breeding process is far shorter than that of humans, within a couple of years population has boomed. Homelesness, starvation, crime is everywhere. This begins to affect your operations, and the safety of your people.\n\n[[Establish police force.]]\n\n[[Invest in education.]]

You and Phil are gorging on eggs and chicken legs....\n\nCaptain: MM! You can almost taste the despair!\n\nOfficer Jane Dawkins walks in with the B'Luvian Ambassador....\n\nJane: And this is engineering.....oh I didn't notice you there Captain!\n\nCaptain: Ah! *COUGH* Jane! Hello there!\n\nAmbassador: The Tyutronian Chicken is considered holy by my people Captain! How dare you?!\n\nSo began the war of the Chicken... a hundred year war ended only by the enforced vegetarianism of all humans!\n\n[[END.]]

This is considered a breach of the Alpha directive, you are now considered rogue by the Federation. Selling the minerals on the black market will make you extremely rich however. \n\nMany of your crew are loyal, but almost half of are considering mutiny!\n\nEnsign Steve: I can't stand by and watch you do this Captain.... I used to respect you!.....I request that you stand down immediately!\n\n[[Allow half the crew to leave.]]\n\n[[Make an example.]]

Steve: Six years of Academy training! SIX!..... I'm never going to be a captain at this rate!\n\nCaptain: Hey... hey Steve.... You got a pretty mouth....\n\nSteve: What?!\n\nWhen the ship lands, it is immediately surrounded by aliens. They are human like in many ways, though larger, and hairier.\n\n[[Let Steve negotiate.]]\n\n[[Offer them some vodka!]]

Captain: Steve, I'm so sorry.... it's this vodka..... it's so fucking good!\n\nSteve: ...............\n\nCaptain: Take the escape pod Steve....all our food is gone, you have a better chance on the planet.\n\nSteve: ....................\n\nSteve steps towards the escape pod.\n\n[[Press red button.]]\n\n[[Press blue button.]]

You run into the forest, the aliens sound as though they are screaming. They where making this noise throughout the party, but you now find it disturbing...\n\nAfter a while, you realise you are lost.\n\n[[Look for moss.]]\n\n[[Build a fire.]]

Captain: Sorry Steve I'm just too important!\n\nSteve: You fucker!\n\nThe tunnel collapses behind you.\n\nCaptain: Oh well.....\n\nLater........\n\nAlien: Where's the other one?\n\n[["He was set free."]]\n\n[["I errmmm ate him?"]]

Captain: Could have done with some Zagraxian pepper.....\n\nThe kingdom of Quondor lies in ruins, eaten by the Great Moo Grazers of Yuantip.\n\n[[END.]]

Entering the wreckage, a rather noticable leak is steaming from your oxygen mask.\n\nOfficer Jane: Sir! Your mask!\n\nCaptain: It's fine!\n\nSteve: Sir!\n\nCaptain: Fuck off Steve! Stop treating me like a bloody child!\n\nYour head begins to expand, then explodes.\n\n[[END.]]

Steve: Your sacrifice will be remembered!\n\nCaptain: What?! Just finish the bloody tunnel you idiot!\n\nSteve: Oh....\n\nYou both escape, and make your way back to the ship....\n\nCaptain: Well we sure learned a lesson today!\n\nSteve: Don't drink and drive?\n\nCaptain: NO! Be careful when digging tunnels!\n\nYou both return safely to the ship......\n\n[[END.]]

You have no choice but to take over the planets government. Creating laws that prove unpopular, but they are neccessary for the species continued survival.\n\nPlus you get a really cool office, complete with one of those drinking bird toys you've always wanted!\n\n[[END.]]

What hope had your one ship against a Federation Fleet? You are dead.\n\n[[END.]]

You discover that a tribe of the alien species is living above a large deposit of Zhiranium, a valuable mineral. This Alpha Directive demands that minerals such as these be exploited for the benefit of the Federation!\n\n[[Establish trade agreement.]]\n\n[[Destroy species.]]

Captain: Meh.... I don't like this health food crap...how about that thing on the table there.\n\nChef: Sir....that's a chopping board...\n\nCaptain: Oh....\n\nCaptain: Just give me a chocolate bar or something....\n\nLater..........you emerge from your quarters (chocolate around your mouth) to find the entire crew dead....\n\nCaptain: Oh.....\n\nYou take another bite from the chocolate bar.\n\n[[END.]]

Captain: Hm! Yes! Everything seems to be in order here!\n\nSteve: What on earth are you doing?\n\nCaptain: We're not on earth anymore Steve...time to think of things a little....unconventionally...whether that be room inspections.....(eyeing up Steve)...or relationships....\n\nSteve: Get out! Now! Before I call my union representative!\n\nCaptain: Your loss.....\n\n[[END.]]

Captain: Have you taken the opportunity to see the drinks menu Ambassador?\n\n[[Hyushian Wine.]]\n\n[[Water.]]

The missile puts an end to the rebellion, you won't miss Steve, but you will miss those back rubs....\n\n[[END.]]

You keep the right aliens happy, the right ones threatened. Bringing them to your way of thinking. Playing alien against alien ensures that this rebellion is quashed. \n\nYou still hear tales of this rebel leader though....some say a Robin Hood, a ghost, a myth?\n\n[[END.]]

The ambassador approves of your choice of meal, you smile but really wanted something that is actually going to fill you. You only chose this option to be diplomatic.\n\nUnfortunately the salad is actually the Leaf Prince Of Quondor, he came to implore you to save his people!\n\nCaptain: You're kidding right?\n\nSalad: Please Captain! You are our only hope!\n\n[[Help the Leaf Prince.]]\n\n[[Eat the salad.]]

The leader of the aliens is a large and hairy beast, he is willing to allow the Federation establish a mining post. However he will require something in return.\n\n[[Marry his daughter.]]\n[[Supply weapons.]]

Steve: I could do with a shower...\n\nCaptain: Oh boy!\n\nSteve: Who said that?!\n\n[[Use panic button on watch.]]\n\n[[Step out.]]

As the ship leaves, it damages the hangar doors.\n\nCaptain: What's this button do?\n\nBefore Steve can stop you, you eject all the cargo. Now this normally wouldn't be that big of a deal, but since you've damaged the hangar doors..... and since some of the cargo is explosive....\n\nBOOOOOOOOOOMMM!!!!!!!\n\n(You can't hear anything in the vacuum of space, that was just for dramatic effect.)\n\nYou are sent far off course, your engines damaged, the large starship behind you falling towards the planet....\n\n[[Use the only escape pod.]]\n\n[[Let Steve use the escape pod.]]

Ensign: Captain! Initial scans show vast amounts of life, an intelligent race.\n\nCaptain: Organise a team for an away mission Ensign Steve.\n\nEnsign: Yes sir!\n\n[[Observe.]]\n\n[[Just land with no preparation.]]

You stand above Steve's corpse.... shaking. You drop the vodka bottle, it smashes.\n\nCaptain: What have I done?\n\nShip Computer: You've managed to kill your entire crew Captain...\n\nCaptain: No I mean the vodka....\n\n[[END.]]

The Alpha Directive is clear that immature races are not to be interfered with, however since the Federation is at war they are allowing this to proceed. Also the planet is so deep in space that Earth's general populace are unlikely to find out.\n\nAfter a few months the mining operation is in full swing. However the aliens are beginning to demand more technology.\n\n[[More weapons.]]\n\n[[Quality of life tech.]]

Captain: You know what...scratch that... let's just go down there.\n\nEnsign Steve: Sir?\n\nCaptain: Come on Steve!\n\nEnsign Steve: I'm not so sure about this Captain!\n\nCaptain: Don't be a pussy! It'll be fun!......Just you and me Steve! Let's just walk in there and say hello!\n\nSteve: Sir I must protest..... think of the Alpha Directive!\n\nCaptain: Hey Steve... look what I've got... B'Luvian Vodka!\n\nSteve: Sir.... I beg you!\n\nYou both climb (you stumble), into the nearest support ship.\n\n[[Let Steve operate the ship.]]\n\n[[I'll drive! WOOOOH!]]

You know that the Federation will eventually come for you. You hold off attacks for many years, you are sure that they will not nuke your base as this would contaminate the valuable minerals.\n\nEventually you run out of supplies, the Federation block any incoming trade vessels.\n\n[[Commit suicide.]]\n\n[[Give up.]]

Your crew begin to seize the technology, pissing off the aliens. They start to attack your crew.\n\nUnfortunately Ensign Steve is killed, you conduct a porn binge in memory of his name!\n\n[[Leave the planet.]]\n\n[[Nuke the planet.]]

The ship lands where the Alien tribe used to be, and converted into a base. Any remaining aliens have learned to fear you, they are now your slaves.\n\n[[Fortify defenses.]]\n\n[[Establish colony.]]

Moss grows on the north side of trees...I think..... did we land in the northern or southern hemisphere?\n\nThe first tree you find is covered in moss all over.\n\nCaptain: Shit....\n\n[[Pick a direction.]]\n\n[[Shout for help.]]

Doctor: What do you want to talk about Captain?\n\n[[Father.]]\n\n[[Feelings for Ensign Steve.]]

You manage to drag the body into the nearest store room. What to do next?\n\n[[Airlock.]]\n\n[[Puppet Steve.]]

The alien is dead lying far from the prison cell, that was also the last bullet.....\n\nCaptain: Bloody outdated tech....\n\nYou are executed the next day, your skull fashioned into a rather stylish looking fruit bowl... kind of like something from Ikea....but more macabre...\n\n[[END.]]

You convince the pirates to join you, you now have a small fleet of ships at your disposal.\n\n[[Unite the pirate clans.]]\n\n[[Raid the nearest Federation outpost.]]

Captain: Oh God......\n\nChef: Sir?\n\nCaptain: This is so fucking good!\n\nYou lift up the entire pot and walk out of the kitchen...\n\nChef: Sir?\n\nCaptain: No calls...I'll be in my room.....\n\nThey find you later on....your insides dissolved......\n\n[[END.]]