WBD 74 9-14-21

(css: "font-size: 112%;")[ (css: "font-size: 75%;")[{(if: (saved-games:) contains "File A")[(link-rerun: "NEW GAME")[(set: $newgame to (confirm: "If you start a new game, all progress will be overwritten except for achievements. Are you sure you want to proceed?"))(if: $newgame is false)[](else:)[(go-to: "Intro 1")]]](else:)[(link-rerun: "NEW GAME")[(go-to: "Intro 1")]]} {(if: (saved-games:) contains "File A")[(Link: "LOAD GAME")[()[(load-game: "File A")]]](else:)[(opacity: 0.5)[<strike>LOAD GAME</strike>]]} [[ACHIEVEMENTS->Check achievements]] [[CREDITS->Credits]] ]] (click: "Options Menu")[(go-to: "Options Menu")]} {(masteraudio: 'preload')(if: $gameclear is 1)[(track: 'game day', 'fadeout', 1)(track: 'dirtville night', 'fadeout', 1)(track: 'event', 'fadein', 1)(track: 'event', 'loop', true)(set: $gameclear to 0)](elseif: $titlereturn is 1)[(track: 'game day', 'fadeout', 3)(track: 'dirtville night', 'fadeout', 3)(track: 'new heaven', 'fadeout', 3)(track: 'event', 'stop')(track: 'event', 'fadein', 1)(track: 'event', 'loop', true)(set: $titlereturn to 0)](else:)[(track: 'event', 'playwhenpossible')(track: 'event', 'loop', true)(track: 'credits', 'fadeout', 1)]}

(track: 'Blip', 'playwhenpossible')

{(set: $statmax to 13) (set: $negstatmax to -13) (set: $violence to 0) (set: $perfenhancement to 0) (set: $baseball to 0) (set: $magic to 0) (set: $max to 0) (set: $name to "Coach") (set: $devil to "nil") (set: $delusional to 0) (set: $invite to 0) (set: $plod to 0) (set: $meetplod to 0) (set: $cheek to 0) (set: $kyliekiss to 0) (set: $dinnerdate to 0) (set: $kyliewin to 0) (set: $kyliebad to 0) (set: $heaven to "New Heaven") (set: $gender to "non-binary") (set: $heshethey to "they") (set: $himherthem to "them") (set: $hishertheir to "their") (set: $hisherstheirs to "theirs") (set: $himselfherselfthemselves to "themselves") (set: $boygirlperson to "person") (set: $boysgirlspeople to "people") (set: $manwomanperson to "person") (set: $menwomenpeople to "people") (set: $guygirlperson to "person") (set: $guysgirlspeople to "people") (set: $dudechickpal to "pal") (set: $dudeschickspals to "pals") (set: $sondaughterkid to "kid") (set: $return to "nil") (set: $day to "Day 1") (set: $violencealert to 0) (set: $magicalert to 0) (set: $perfenhancementalert to 0) (set: $baseballalert to 0) (set: $red to "#FF2424") (set: $green to "#2CF02D") (set: $blue to "#4169E1") (set: $perfectboy to 0) (set: $gameclear to 0) (set: $spellbook to 0) (track: 'Blip', 'volume', 0.3) (track: 'event', 'volume', 0.5) (track: 'new heaven', 'volume', 0.5) (track: 'game day', 'volume', 0.4) (track: 'dirtville night', 'volume', 0.4) (track: 'credits', 'volume', 0.4)}

Blip: ./Audio/DirtvilleClick.ogg Blip: ./Audio/DirtvilleClick.mp3 event: ./Audio/EventBG.mp3 event: ./Audio/EventBG.ogg new heaven: ./Audio/NewHeavenBG.mp3 new heaven: ./Audio/NewHeavenBG.ogg dirtville night: ./Audio/dirtvillenight.mp3 dirtville night: ./Audio/dirtvillenight.ogg game day: ./Audio/gameday.mp3 game day: ./Audio/gameday.ogg credits: ./Audio/credits.mp3 credits: ./Audio/credits.ogg

preload: true showControls: false

{(if: $violence >= 13 and $violencealert is 0)[(alert: "Congratulations, you have achieved maximum violence. The world trembles in fear before you. Please don't hurt us.")(set: $violencealert to 1)] (elseif: $magic >= 13 and $magicalert is 0)[(alert: "Congratulations, you have achieved maximum magic power. The world is your oyster. Or, more accurately, you can now transform the world into an oyster if you want.")(set: $magicalert to 1)] (elseif: $perfenhancement >= 13 and $perfenhancementalert is 0)[(alert: "Congratulations, you have achieved maximum drug usage. Given the preceding statement, a second congratulations is in order for still being alive.")(set: $perfenhancementalert to 1)] (elseif: $baseball is <= -13 and $baseballalert is 0)[(Alert: "Yikes. All that effort and you're somehow even worse at baseball now. You suck.")(set: $baseballalert to 1)] (else:)[]}

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SIC SLUGGER TYRANNIS] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[During batting practice, the players lose focus when Stacy incites a mock sword fight with the gently used Louisville Sluggers you stole from the Dirtville Police Department’s evidence locker (don’t ask). “Sic semper tyrannis!” Georgie shouts as he thwacks you in the back. You feel multiple vertebrae crack. You hope those weren’t the important ones. This is getting out of hand. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You find a safe place to watch the chaos unfold.->Event 3a]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(if: (ach-count:) is 7)[All endings achieved. Thanks for playing!](else:)[Endings achieved: (ach-count:) of 7] (if: (ach-count:) is 0)[](else:)[(ach-print:)] [[Return to title->START MENU]]

Build 2: 4-6-21 Added "footer" tag to blip sound passage Added "showControls: false" to hal.tracks Build 3: 4-7-2021 + Added "bg_event" in Story Stylesheet + Added bg_event to Images folder - Removed "day" from Story Stylesheet - Removed CSS background colors from Header, Main, Options, Stats, and Menu sections Build 4: 4-11-2021 + Revised names of variables to violence, magic, perfenhancement, and baseball + Added colors back in to CSS for Main and Menu for easier testing + Added Main Story Event as throwaway content for discussion (all relevant items are on the side) + Added Event 1: Georgie the Idiot + Added Event 2 (no text) + Added Event hub as a temporary home for us to write events Build 5: 4-11-2021 + Added violence option with strikethrough in main story + Added (set: $violence to 5) + Added changed variable names to P for performance enhancement and B for baseball (still needs to be done outside of the loading page) Build 6: 4-12-21 + Added event 2 - MUDWEASELS + Updated variables to correct names in Ending checker, Stat decider passages + Updated stat names (P and B) in stat bar to all of Event 1 and Event 2 + Added `(set:)` macros to the daily event result passages to increase or decrease variables as necessary...placed code directly under event title so it runs before the stat bars and shows increase on the results page instead of after going to next passage (EVENT 1 ONLY SO FAR) + Deleted (set: $violence to 5) + Changed max number in stat bar from 100 to 25 + Added new naming convention for events, where each continuation of an event is Event Xa, Xb, Xc etc. Renamed results passages to Event X result A, B, C + Added Event 3: SIC SLUGGER TYRANNIS + Changed font to Reem Kufi via pasting Base64 version of font file at top of Stylesheet + Added "startup" tag to passage Startup + Added landing page so Startup passage can load initially without messing up formatting + Added Event 5 + Added Event 6 + Added Event 7 + Added Event 8 + Added Event 9 Build 7: 4-13-21 + Added Event 10: HE'S A SHOE-IN + Added Event 11: THE MILKMAN COMETH + Added Event 12: PUDDING IS FOR BORBO + Added $sondaughterkid to the Male, Female, and NB confirm Build 8: 4-15-21 + Moved stat change code `(set:)` macros to the top of passages for events 1-9 + Added Name chooser passage with relevant code back to build; not sure how it got deleted Build 9: 4-15-21 + Added Event 13: INDOMITABLE STACY + Minor text rewrites for Event 12 + Moved stat change code `(set:)` macros to the top of passages for all events 10-14 + Added placeholder passages for events 14-19 Build 10: 4-16-21 + Rewrote Event 1: GEORGIE THE IDIOT + Text fixes for Event 13: INDOMITABLE STACY Build 11: 4-18-21 + Event 14: DEVIL'S BARGAIN Build 12: + Text fixes for Event 14: DEVIL's BARGAIN + Event 15: YESTERDAY IS TODAY + Changed "'99" to "few weeks ago" in Event 9 Build 13: 4-19-21 + Added Events 16, 17, 18 + Moved text that was previously in Event 16 to passage titled "Hershall's weird text" Build 14: 4-19-21 + Added Events 19, 20, 21, 22, 23 + Added `(set: $devil to x)` macro to Event 15 to track decision and change copy accordingly in Event 21 + Added '(set: $devil to "nil")' in startup passage Build 15: 4-19-21 + Added Event 24: PAYNEFUL REUNION + Added Event 25: MVP Build 16: 4-20-21 + Added Intro 1, Intro 2, Intro 3, Intro 4. + Revised text for Event 25: MVP Build 17: 4-21-21 + Changed + 2 stat increases in Event 3 and 6 to only +1 or -1 as appropriate + Fixed text and state changes in Event 19 result B + Created variables for Kylie path in Startup passage + Added link to Main Story Test back to main menu + Created variable for "Heaven" town name so we can easily change all instances of it later when we come up with a better name + Added passage for testing Kylie Night stuff Build 18: 4-22-21 + Added Plod N2 1, 2, and 3 Build 19: 4-23-21 + Changed "at the bar" to "with Kylie" in the dirt plod intro passage + Added explicit mention of $heaven to the Intro 1 passage Build 20: 4-24-21 + Rewrote Plod N2, 1, 2, and 3 + Added Plod N2 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 + Added Plod N2 ending A 1, 2, 3 + Added Plod N2 ending B 1 Build 21: + Revised Event 25 so Bartholomew doesn't die + Plod path, night 3 and Plod path ending are all in Build 22: 4-27-21 + Added Kylie path Night 1 passages 1-10 Build 23: + Added Game Day 1-3 Build 24: 4-27-21 + Added Kylie path night 1, night 2, night 3 and secret ending + Added standard ending + Added baseball minimum ending Build 25: 4-27-21 + Added proper stat gates to Kylie path night 1, 2, 3 - Deleted (set perfenhancement to 8)~ from Game Day 1, 2, 3, 4 + Added mention of Kylie to Game Day 1 via conditional statement + Updated ending decider code as "Son of ending decider" passage Build 26: 4-27-21 + Added Violence max ending 1-5 + Added Magic max ending 1-5 Build 27: 4-27-21 + Linked events in agreed upon order + Deleted Name chooser passage + Folded non-binary pronoun variables into Startup passage + Added gated options for night 1 and 2 and 3 hubs based on previous night + Linked endings to Son of ending decider and back to START MENU Build 28: + Added Drugs max Ending 1-5 - Deleted Son of ending decider - Deleted Show Kylie ending + Added Son of ending decider content into the final intro passage + Reorganized build to sort by day

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE BIG DATE] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(track: 'dirtville night', 'fadein', 3)](track: 'dirtville night', 'loop', true)} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You are now sitting on your parents' porch with a coffee cup filled with water. Butterflies fill your heart (metaphorically, hopefully) in anticipation of your date with Dirt Plod. Since you have no money, though, you plan to trick your father, The Milkman, into giving you a beer to share with your soulmate. Yes, this will be the greatest date in human history. "Nothing like a chilled glass of H2O. Oxygen and hydrogen make the most delicious substance in the world," you say. You hold your breath, waiting to see if your father takes the bait. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[He takes a swill from an ice cold can of beer.->Plod N3 2]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[GEORGIE THE IDIOT] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You are running base stealing drills when Georgie approaches with a stupid smile on his face. "What did you invent this time, Georgie?" you ask with a sigh. "You're looking at the biggest technological revolution since the printing press," Georgie says. "That's what you said about putting snakes on leashes." "And it was. But this is going to be even bigger." ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You try not to roll your eyes.->Event 1a]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

[[Event 1]] [[Event 2]] [[Event 3]] [[Event 4]] [[Event 5]] [[Event 6]] [[Event 7]] [[Event 8]] [[Event 10]] [[Event 11]] [[Event 12]] [[Event 13]] [[Event 14]] [[Event 15]] [[Event 16]] [[Event 17]] [[Event 18]] [[Event 19]] [[Event 20]] [[Event 21]] [[Event 22]] [[Event 23]] [[Event 24]] [[Event 25]]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[GEORGIE THE IDIOT] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Georgie throws his hands upward in a dramatic flourish. "Allow me to present...the Tooth and Toenail Brush! Clean your toenails and then your teeth, in that order, with the same brush!" "Georgie..." you say, massaging your temples. "How is that useful?" Georgies shakes his head. "Spoken like someone who cleans $hishertheir feet and teeth with a separate brush." ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You try to talk some sense into Georgie.->Event 1b]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[GEORGIE THE IDIOT] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")["Listen, Georgie, I don't really care if we all get foot-to-mouth disease as long as we win the Dirtville Classic. But how is this going to help us?" you ask, exasperated. Georgie's smile widens as he taps a small blue button. "I figured you'd ask that, so I went ahead and included a special setting." Spinning stainless steel blades replace the brush head. "I figure we can stab America's Perfect Boys or something." "Great, Georgie," you say, tapping your foot impatiently. "Then again, if we all have hand, foot, and mouth disease, maybe they'll forfeit and we'll win by default." ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[[[Teach your players how to use the secret chainsaw->Event 1 result A]] [[Get diseased so you have an excuse to buy more drugs->Event 1 result B]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[GEORGIE THE IDIOT] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $violence < $statmax)[(set: $violence to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Seeking a competitive advantage, you ask your players to utilize the chainsaw hidden in Georgie's invention. At your insistence, they do, but many of them lose fingers in the process. As your injured players lose copious amounts of blood, you encourage them to practice stabbing. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Violence +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 20]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[GEORGIE THE IDIOT] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $perfenhancement < $statmax)[(set: $perfenhancement to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[As you guessed, Georgie's invention is a disaster. Within hours, most of your team is missing literal chunks of their teeth and toes. They also develop a shared fungus on their upper lips. This green, mold-like paste may smell like roadkill, but its viciously viscous stickiness enables your players to easily catch baseballs with their faces...in theory. You find out soon after that the fungus also emits hallucinatory fumes that cause most of your players to run away from any ball-shaped object in writhing terror, but you'll take small victories where you can get them. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Drugs +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 20]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[MUDWEASELS] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You are making the team scavenge the nearby forest for lunch after Jimmy’s mom forgot to pack the orange slices. Ever productive, you take advantage of the quiet by rethinking every decision you’ve ever made in your entire life. Suddenly, a scream echoes from the woods. You smile, fondly reminiscing on the many childhood days you spent in Dirtville Forest running from the meth cookers and screaming like a banshee. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You look toward the woods just to be sure.->Event 2a]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[MUDWEASELS] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Jimmy sprints out of the woods. A three-foot-long creature has bitten into his arm. Oh no, it’s an infamously nasty Dirtville mudweasel! Their ferocity is matched only by their craving for the taste of children, much like street magicians and clowns. “Do something!” Jimmy screams. Stacy glares at the mudweasel hungrily. You have a sneaking suspicion she would happily eat Jimmy to get even one bite of that tender mustelid flesh. You need to defuse this situation, and fast. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[[[Train mudweasel as team guard animal->Event 2 result A]] [[Use mudweasel to lead pop fly drills->Event 2 result B]] [[Harvest mudweasel's hallucinogenic dung->Event 2 result C]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[MUDWEASELS] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $violence < $statmax)[(set: $violence to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[As ferocious as mudweasels are, they are easily tamed if you’re willing to give up some spare beef jerky and a few fingers. Now docile, the beast imprints on Jimmy and becomes his new best friend. While you’re happy for the kid, the mudweasel now attacks anyone that gets within five feet of him. You almost feel bad for the opposing players Jimmy is going to be near during the Dirtville Classic. Almost. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Violence +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 8]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[MUDWEASELS] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $baseball > $negstatmax)[(set: $baseball to it - 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[One of the oldest Little League coaching techniques involves making kids run faster by having something hungry chase them. Once you set the mudweasel loose on the field, your players chase down fly balls with an agility and fear for their lives that you’ve never seen before. Unfortunately, the mudweasel bites Joey “Horse Face” Rockwell during the last drill. He has to go to the hospital for a rabies vaccine. He is so scared of the outfield now that he’ll never look up at a fly ball again. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Baseball -1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 8]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[MUDWEASELS] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $perfenhancement < $statmax)[(set: $perfenhancement to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[The indigenous people of Dirtville before it was even Dirtville used mudweasel dung to expand their minds and see mythical figures dancing in the stars, so you can’t pass up this opportunity. After painstakingly collecting every dropping from the field, you mash it into a paste and burn it in a bonfire. The hallucinogenic chemicals permeate the air. Jimmy's hands appear to morph into feet with 7 toes on each. The scarecrow recites the entirety of Hamlet backwards and upside down. Your hand is made of bees. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Drugs +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 8]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SIC SLUGGER TYRANNIS] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[The melee devolves into a drunken game of whack-a-mole. Joey “Horse Face” splits off from Bartholomew’s army to annex the concession stand. Stacy declares dominion over the home bleachers after a bitter campaign against Jimmy and is now poised to mobilize against Bartholomew. The scarecrow looks on in stoic silence, as if pondering the complex nature of war itself. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Prevent more violence by having players sign an armistice->Event 3 result A]] [[Push Bartholomew to make a daring preemptive strike->Event 3 result b]] [[Sedate entire team via sprinkler system laced with cough syrup->Event 3 result C]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SIC SLUGGER TYRANNIS] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $violence > 0)[(set: $violence to it - 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[War is never the answer, especially when it gets in the way of batting practice. You force Stacy and Bartholomew to call a cease-fire and sit down for peace talks. After hours of arduous negotiations, you convince them to sign a peace treaty. While these sort of conflict resolution skills will get your players far in the real world, it has severely curtailed their penchant for violence against America’s Perfect Boys. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Violence -1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 7]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SIC SLUGGER TYRANNIS] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $violence < $statmax)[(set: $violence to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Fortune favors the bold, so you convince Bartholomew to launch an all-out attack on Stacy’s exhausted forces. The two armies collide in what can only be called a dazzling feast for the senses, an epic clash for the ages, a feel-good hit of the summer. Admittedly, this breathtaking tour de force also leaves many players dead, but whatever. When the dust, blood, and glory finally fade, the remaining members of your team eternally thirst for the thrill of battle, the adrenaline surge of the knife edge of danger. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Violence +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 7]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SIC SLUGGER TYRANNIS] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $perfenhancement < $statmax)[(set: $perfenhancement to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[The madness of war has gone on for too long. You pour a bottle of children’s Nyquil^^TM^^ into the field’s sprinkler system and then turn them to full blast. Within seconds, the pugnacious tweens fall into a deep, FDA-approved narcotic slumber. Hours later, the players wake up craving more Nyquil. Yes, they stopped fighting, but it's still hard to swing this outcome as positive for anyone except the producers of Nyquil^^TM^^. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Drugs +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 7]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SINKHOLE RIGAMAROLE] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You are running pop fly drills when a sinkhole forms in left field. It swallows Alistair in a puff of dirt and miscellaneous carcinogens that’ve seeped into the town’s soil over the years. “Are you OK, Alistair?” you ask, trying to recall if little league coaches are legally liable for player injuries. “Life is nothing but a fleeting speck of consciousness through a pinhole amidst the cold cruelty of the universe,” Alistair says from the bottom of the sinkhole, fixing his Hot Topic graphic tee. “I am now six feet in the ground where I belong.” ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [["Is that a yes?" you ask.->Event 4a]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

[[Click here->START MENU]] to launch game.

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SINKHOLE RIGAMAROLE] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Alistair has fallen into a decrepit stone chamber. There is a statue of Q'qyth, a local pagan god that hasn’t been worshipped since baby sacrifice was outlawed via town ordinance a few weeks ago. In the statue’s outstretched hands, there are two ancient relics. In the left, an ornate dagger. In the right, a spellbook of some kind. Since Alistair hurt his hand in the fall, he can only bring one item back up. Which do you instruct him to grab? ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[[[Grab ornate dagger->Event 4 result A]] [[Grab ancient spellbook->Event 4 result B]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SINKHOLE RIGAMAROLE] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $violence < $statmax)[(set: $violence to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Alistair takes the ornate dagger. It looks like it’d be the perfect letter opener for Satan if he ever got any mail. “I feel...powerful,” Alistair says in a deep, demonic voice. “I will bathe in the blood of my enemies this night.” Finally, Alistair is showing some of the aggression you wish he had when chasing down those pop flies! (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Violence +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 6]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SINKHOLE RIGAMAROLE] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $magic < $statmax)[(set: $magic to it + 1)](else:)[]](set: $spellbook to 1)} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Turns out, the spellbook is bound with the flesh of innocents. Score! Leafing through the pages, you see the book delves into the dangerous secrets of black magic. There's also a charming, if long-winded, foreword by Satan himself. Too bad the flesh on Alistair’s hands literally melts off when he touches it. Oh well—it’s not like he needs hands to catch pop flies now that he has access to these assorted hexes, curses, and magicks. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Magic +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 6]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THANKS, MR. R0B0T0] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[“It’s finally done,” Georgie proclaims as he removes his Lil’ Prometheus-brand welding helmet. His curly, ginger hair poofs out like an umbrella flipped inside out during a storm. “What’s done?” you ask. You hope with his wacky inventions, for starters. The freckle-faced kid grins. “A wacky invention, $name. Behold, my latest creation...BaseBot 9000!” ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You follow Georgie to his workshop.->Event 5a]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THANKS, MR. R0B0T0] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Georgie cackles maniacally as he whips the sheet off his workbench under the away bleachers. A humanoid robot is underneath, cobbled together from various household objects including garden hoses, table legs, lawn mower wheels, and a Cuisinart stand mixer (with bread hook attachment—//very// nice). BaseBot 9000's ceiling fan eyes light up. It stands by itself, towering over you and Georgie. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You wave hello.->Event 5b]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THANKS, MR. R0B0T0] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[“Greetings, $name. I am designated as BaseBot 9000. I am statistically superior to small children in millions of simulated hitting and fielding scenarios,” BaseBot 9000 says. “However, my inept creator has cursed me with mere minutes to live. Please give me one command.” “Wait, I know I did everything right,” Georgie says, panicking. “The inferior freckled child is mistaken. My existence is an utter failure. Please give my painfully tragic life purpose before I self-destruct.” ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[[[Have BaseBot 9000 teach team robotic combat strategies->Event 5 result A]] [[Enhance players' bodies with BaseBot 9000’s cybernetics->Event 5 result B]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THANKS, MR. R0B0T0] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $violence < $statmax)[(set: $violence to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You’re in no position to turn down an assistant coach, even one created in bold-faced defiance of every natural, moral, and ethical law. But your players aren't nearly as thrilled. “We will not be replaced by automation,” they shout. “Destroy the false life!” Your team makes short work of BaseBot 9000’s mechanical body, despite it having the power to calculate 10^^10^^ different base and runner arrangements. At least your players learned some new combat maneuvers. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Violence +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 12]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THANKS, MR. R0B0T0] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $perfenhancement < $statmax)[(set: $perfenhancement to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[In what can only be described as a Christ-like act of sacrifice, BaseBot 9000 rips itself apart to turn your players into cybernetic abominations. Their physical and mental power goes through the roof, but you better not forget to charge them overnight and put them in rice if they get wet. Well, except for Robo-Jimmy, who refuses to get plugged in for bedtime. His battery addiction is destroying his circuits and the Worthless Dirt Boys treasury. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Drugs +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 12]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[D(R)OWN BY THE RIVER] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[With practice just begun, you make everyone stop because you want to take a field trip. You are certain this is the best possible use of your limited practice time. Driven by a rare surge of creativity and an even more rare desire for adventure, you usher the Worthless Dirt Boys to the famously polluted Dirtville River. “Behold,” you say, pointing at the bubbling, troublingly green water. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You gaze at the river.->Event 6a]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[D(R)OWN BY THE RIVER] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ A barrel of nuclear waste floats past, likely from the uranium mine upriver. A three-headed rat has rigged a sail on it with some surprisingly clean maritime knots. Yes, the exact kind of discipline you need to instill in your players. “Why are we here, $name?” Joey "Horse Face" Rockwell asks as a tooth falls out of his mouth. He wipes his forehead with the sleeve of his black leather jacket. “Also, why do my bones hurt?” ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[[[Use a Ouija board to commune with the river->Event 6 result A]] [[Make players drink toxic sludge->Event 6 result B]] [[Learn bunting techniques from three-headed rat->Event 6 result C]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[D(R)OWN BY THE RIVER] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $magic < $statmax)[(set: $magic to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Alistair pulls out a thoroughly worn Ouija board from his back pocket. All the players place their grubby hands on the planchette. You fail to summon the spirit of the river, but after a few minutes of aimlessly moving the planchette, Jimmy's weird Aunt Sally appears. Of course, she's still alive, but it's still something. Aunt Sally hands out individual raisins to everyone but Jimmy. You eat your raisin and stare at her suspiciously, trying to discern if she's secretly a ghost. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Magic +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 11]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[D(R)OWN BY THE RIVER] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $perfenhancement < $statmax)[(set: $perfenhancement to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You convince the team to drink from the Dirtville River. Unfortunately, most of the players don’t gain anything helpful, like a third arm, but the polluted water seems to interact well with the various drugs already in Joey “Horse Face” Rockwell’s system. “I can see forever,” Joey says as his brain swells to three times its normal size. His expanded consciousness will now make it much easier to solve the myriad untapped mysteries of the universe and most sudoku puzzles. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Drugs +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 11]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[D(R)OWN BY THE RIVER] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $baseball > $negstatmax)[(set: $baseball to it - 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[The three-headed rat introduces himself as Captain Nuggets. He is surprisingly well-spoken for a mutant rodent, thanks to the three brains in his three heads. Sadly, Captain Nuggets misunderstands your request and runs your players through a full 101-level course on maritime knots instead. Afterward, your teary-eyed players bid Captain Nuggets goodbye as he sails away and is then immediately eaten by a mutated catfish with human teeth and eyes. You only realize on the walk home that boating knots have nothing to do with baseball. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Baseball -1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 11]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[FOUNDING FARCES] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[A horde of mudweasels has taken over the practice field today, so you take your team to the Dirtville cemetery while what's left of Dirtville Animal Control handles the problem. The cemetery is as unkempt as the rest of the town; wind-battered tombstones crumble to dust as wild plantlife overtakes most of the plots. Honestly, the only reason anyone would hang out here is if they were too dead to leave. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You search for a spot to practice.->Event 7a]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[FOUNDING FARCES] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[While searching, you find a moss-covered statue in the middle of the cemetery. It is the likeness of Dirtville’s founder, Jeremiah Dingledorf, depicted during his most famous moment: almost, but not quite, tripping during the Main Street Pickaxe Massacre of 1822. You choke back tears imagining where Dirtville would be if it's founder had fallen to the ground and avoided the axe blade that immediately beheaded him. //This// is what you and the kids are playing to honor. //This// is what Dirtville means to so many people. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Perform a seance to contact Jeremiah from beyond the grave->Event 7 result A]] [[Give players Adderall so they build bigger, better statue of you->Event 7 result B]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[FOUNDING FARCES] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $magic < $statmax)[(set: $magic to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[After your players spend a minute muttering Latin-sounding words, the statue’s eyes light up. “Please help my Little League team get better at baseball," you beg. “What is this...//baseball?//” Jeremiah's spirit asks. When you fail to summarize America’s pastime for the interdimensional visitor who died before the sport was invented, Jeremiah’s spirit leaves. No baseball tips, but at least your team got valuable practice with black magic. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Magic +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 22]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[FOUNDING FARCES] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $perfenhancement < $statmax)[(set: $perfenhancement to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS V: (print: $violence)`/13` M: (print: $magic)`/13` P: (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` B: (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Your hyper-focused players get to work building a statue of you (skinnier and more attractive, of course) with sticks and pieces of stone from various tombstones. The result from their drug-addled minds is...abstract at best, as if Jackson Pollock vomited on a late-period Picasso. Regardless, most residents of Dirtville would recognize the statue after they squinted and read your name at the bottom. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Drugs +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 22]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SAFETY UNGUARANTEED] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Georgie is unveiling his latest invention to the team. “It’s a micro-chronic spacetime compressor capable of generating hyper localized Einstein-Rosen bridges,” he says. “I have no idea what that is, but it can't be worse than BaseBot,” Joey "Horse Face" Rockwell says with his signature sneer. Georgie carts a menacingly complicated machine onto the field, a mix between a 1950's-era computer and an electric chair. Georgie motions for you to sit. "This'll make BaseBot look like a glorified toaster," Georgie says. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You bravely sit in the contraption.->Event 8a]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SAFETY UNGUARANTEED] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You strap into Georgie’s invention, whatever it is. Georgie flips a switch. The machine barks and buzzes and whirs to life. The laboring contraption sounds like it is going to explode, but then you see the world turn inside out. Time and space shake hands and part ways like two lovers who've stopped growing and want to start seeing other people. You have never been more terrified in your short, overall pathetic life. What has Georgie gotten you into this time? If you survive this, you swear you're going to take away that runt's quantum engineering tools once and for all... ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You bravely cower in fear.->Event 8b]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SAFETY UNGUARANTEED] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Then, you see the history of the universe repeat itself over and over again, from the Big Bang to the founding of Dirtville to the questionable gas station tuna salad you had for lunch. Georgie has built a time machine! He actually built something useful for once! What will you do with the limitless power afforded to you via the ability to visit any point in time that has ever occurred? Wait. The only temporal bridges you can access are very specific moments in the history of...The Beatles? God damn it, Georgie... ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[[[1964: See Beatles get pelted with jelly beans on 1st U.S. tour->Event 8 result A]] [[1966: “Borrow” John Lennon’s LSD from Revolver sessions->Event 8 result B]] [[1968: Meditate on the supernatural with The Beatles in India->Event 8 result C]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SAFETY UNGUARANTEED] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $violence < $statmax)[(set: $violence to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You instantly appear in a packed arena of screaming teenage girls. Their cheering is so loud you can't even hear the Fab 4's music. Suddenly, the manic fans unleash a fusillade of jelly beans at the nice boys from Liverpool. George Harrison is struck directly in the eye and it nearly kills him. You take copious notes on this impressive attack strategy and then bring it back to your players in the present day. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Violence +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 16]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SAFETY UNGUARANTEED] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $perfenhancement < $statmax)[(set: $perfenhancement to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You visit EMI Studio 3, dropping in on the acid-fueled session that produced “Tomorrow Never Knows.” Thankfully, you don't need to explain away your appearance in the room because the Fab Four are so high they barely notice you. You purloin a container of LSD tabs off of John’s piano. Ringo is the only one who seems aware of your presence; he gives you a slight, knowing nod before you disappear into the aether. Back in your own time, the extremely potent LSD gives your players the most creative and productive practice yet. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Drugs +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 16]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SAFETY UNGUARANTEED] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $magic < $statmax)[(set: $magic to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You drop in on The Beatles while they are meditating with Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. Despite John and Paul fighting almost the entire time and bothering some lady named Prudence, the breathing and mantra techniques you learn unlock the very fabric of your mind. You are now one step closer to ultimate bliss (though you are still very far away, considering, you know, everything about your life). Once back in your own time, you teach the players what you learned. They can now move objects with their thoughts. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Magic +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 16]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[HE'S A SHOE-IN] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[The sun beats down your back as you watch Jimmy tie his shoes. His hands twitch as he struggles to form a knot. You can't decide if you should help or let him figure it out on his own. A single drop of sweat slides down Jimmy's forehead. Grunting, he continues to fumble with his laces. Suddenly, Jimmy undoes all of his work with one deft motion. Twin strands of fabric dangle from his fingers, and Jimmy's face turns white with terror. "H—how is that possible?" he asks.] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[A small crowd forms around him.->Event 10a]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ [[Options Menu]]]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[HE'S A SHOE-IN] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Everyone watches as Jimmy refuses to give up. "I won't give up," says Jimmy. "I know I can tie my shoes!" He thrusts his fist into the air as tears pour down his cheeks. He tries ten more times, failing more miserably each time. "AGGHHAHAHGGA," shouts Jimmy as he wraps his laces in his palm. The immense exertion causes him to go cross-eyed. "I WILL NEVER GIVE UP!" ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[It's soon clear that Jimmy can't tie his shoes.->Event 10b]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[HE'S A SHOE-IN] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You sense unrest as the team becomes more and more invested in Jimmy's ordeal. Stacy, sensing weakness, wants to kill Jimmy. Alistair, on the other hand, wants to magically transform Jimmy's hands into shoelaces so he's forever reminded of this moment. The rest of the team aligns with either Stacy or Alistair's group. "Man, you guys must really hate Jimmy," you say. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[[[Let Stacy kill Jimmy->Event 10 result A]] [[Magically turn his hands into shoelaces->Event 10 result B]]] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[HE'S A SHOE-IN] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $violence < $statmax)[(set: $violence to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Led by Stacy, whose fists are larger than your head, the Worthless Dirt Boys descend on Jimmy. Jimmy is beaten to death in seconds flat...or that's what you think, anyway, until a few hours later, when Jimmy comes back to practice covered in bandages and casts from head to toe. His huge, annoying smile is as huge and annoying as ever. "I know I can tie my shoes! I'm going to try again right now!" he shouts. The rest of the team already wants another chance to disembowel Jimmy. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Violence +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 5]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[HE'S A SHOE-IN] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $magic < $statmax)[(set: $magic to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[(if: $spellbook is 1)[Alistair conjures up the spellbook he stole from Q'qyth's chamber earlier today.](else:)[Alistair scrounges up an old grimoire from his parent's basement.] Ultimately, the two of you can't find a spell to turn his hands into shoelaces, so you settle on transforming them into crab claws instead. It's pretty funny, and Jimmy still can't tie his shoes. Though it does take the entire team to stop Stacy from eating him with a side of melted butter. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Magic +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 5]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE MILKMAN COMETH] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[A soft creak accompanies your father's aging figure as he eases out of his truck. You notice all of your players have stopped playing as they watch your father with a shared expression resembling awe. "Is that the Milkman?" they ask. "He's tough but fair. That's what I've heard, anyway," they mutter. "He's not into bullcrap either. They say he actually drinks his product," they whisper. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You try to get the team to return to drills, but it's no use.->Event 11a]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE MILKMAN COMETH] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Your father hauls a crate that's filled with gleaming glass milk bottles. "Had extras today, kiddos." The team talks animatedly. "I can't believe our coach is related to the Milkman!" they shout. "Our coach is neither tough nor fair, so it makes no sense!" they yell. "They started baseball after failing in the milk business!" they exclaim. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Dejected, you watch as your father hands out milk bottles.->Event 11b]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE MILKMAN COMETH] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Feeling a sudden surge of pride, you turn to your father and shout, "I'm in charge here, and I forbid milk!" Well, you try to shout, but you're so scared of your father that your words come out as a whisper instead. Jimmy overhears, though, since he never strays more than a few feet from you. "You heard $name! No milk for us!" He drops his bottle on the ground. The rest of the team immediately turns to you, hatred in their eyes. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[[[Let them drink the nutritious, mineral-rich milk->Event 11 result B]] [[Make them actually practice baseball->Event 11 result A]]] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE MILKMAN COMETH] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $baseball > $negstatmax)[(set: $baseball to it - 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Your father opens his mouth to overrule you, but decides against it. He shrugs and packs up the bottle. "Have a good practice, kids. The entire town is depending on you, but try to have fun with it." Of course, practice goes terribly because you're the one coaching them. Instead of drills, you lecture everyone on the evils of milk. This goes over about as well as you'd expect. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Baseball -1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 10]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE MILKMAN COMETH] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $perfenhancement < $statmax)[(set: $perfenhancement to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")["I would never suggest that," you stammer. "I love milk." Grabbing the bottle Jimmy dropped onto the grass, you heft it to your lips. Pristine white liquid splashes into your mouth and cascades down your throat. But the milk is too strong for you, and you vomit immediately. Your father shakes his head in disappointment. "It's just milk, $sondaughterkid." Either way, the team likes the milk. They grow strong bones. Eager to further strengthen their bodies, your team forms a drug mafia and funds their milk habit with the profits. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Drugs +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 10]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[PUDDING IS FOR BORBO] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Months of research have culminated in this moment: you believe you know how to summon Borbo, the god of pudding left out too long on the counter. Excited, you share your findings with the team. Bartholomew, the youngest member of the team and tiny child who always disobeys you, interrupts your speech. "Listen, chief, what's the point here?" ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You try to argue, but the two-year-old is merciless.-> Event 12a]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[PUDDING IS FOR BORBO] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Bartholomew shrugs. He is so young that the motion is indistinguishable from a burp. "It's the god of old pudding. I mean, come on, $name." The near-infant child adjusts his diaper the way a more refined gentleman would adjust a monocle. "And you spent //how// many months on this?" Bartholomew asks. "Three years," you admit. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Stammering, you try to explain your plan.-> Event 12b]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[PUDDING IS FOR BORBO] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")["Isn't it obvious? If we eat enough stale pudding, we'll get good at baseball!" you exclaim. You blink. After saying it aloud, you realize your plan doesn't sound as good as it did three years ago. "Here's what we're going to do," Bartholomew says while sucking on his thumb. "We're going to trick this...//Borbo// and then we eat him. Hopefully, we'll get some magical power in the process." ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[[[Go with Bartholomew's plan->Event 12 result A]] [[Snort regular pudding like cocaine instead-> Event 12 result B]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[PUDDING IS FOR BORBO] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $magic < $statmax)[(set: $magic to it + 1)](else:)[]]}{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $perfenhancement < $statmax)[(set: $perfenhancement to it - 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You spend much of the team's remaining cash on pudding only to find that the team went ahead with Bartholomew's plan anyway while you were gone. Foiled again by that literal child! While the team munches on Borbo, the god of pudding left out too long on the counter, you convince Jimmy to snort pudding with you. After two snorts, he goes blind. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Drugs -1)] At least Bartholomew's plan works. One of the players transforms into a gelatinous brown mound. "I am now Borbo," they say. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Magic +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 25]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[PUDDING IS FOR BORBO] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $magic < $statmax)[(set: $magic to it + 2)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[As usual, the tiny child wrests control from you with ease. A few hours later, you manage to summon Borbo. The god is a gelatinous brown mound. "Wow, somebody actually summoned me," says Borbo after a puff from its bong. Then, Bartholomew clangs two sporks together. The signal! Borbo accepts its fate with a forlorn squelch. Within a few days, one of your players turns into a gelatinous brown mound. "I am now Borbo," the former player says. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Magic +2)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 25]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[INDOMITABLE STACY] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You watch with dismay as Stacy eats a rock larger than a basketball. Chunks of black-and-brown speckled granite dribble out of her mouth as she crunches. You crack your neck and approach her for a tough conversation. "Why are you eating rocks, Stacy?" Stacy grunts. In her hog-like way of speaking, you understand this to mean you have displeased her, but she's willing to spare your life if you back down. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Trembling, you stand your ground.-> Event 13a]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[INDOMITABLE STACY] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")["It's not healthy to eat rocks," you say. You take a deep breath to calm your rising heartbeat. "Really, it's not healthy to eat anything you find in Dirtville." Stacy's face contorts as she stops chewing. When she takes a single step in your direction, her meaty foot leaves a car-sized crater in the ground. The impact of her bare flesh on the hardened dirt causes a small earthquake that topples the abandoned movie theater across the street. You start to wonder if confronting Stacy is a good idea. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Enrage Stacy by telling her to stop eating rocks->Event 13 result A]] [[Let Stacy get addicted to the mild chemicals in the rocks->Event 13 result B]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[YESTERDAY IS TODAY] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[When you glimpse Georgie rolling out his time machine chair, you immediately grimace. "Not The Beatles again," you say. "Can't we visit anywhere else?" Georgie scrunches his eyebrows together. "Why on earth would you want to visit any moment of time that isn't related to The Beatles?" "Forget it," you say, shaking your head. In response, Georgie flips the switch to power on his time travel chair. Jolts of blue electricity circle the seat. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [["This is going to blow your mind," Georgie says.->Event 15a]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[INFERNAL MEDICINE] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You’re picking up your heavy-duty hemorrhoid cream from the Dirtville Pharmacy. While waiting in line, you see a flyer from Pfister, the local pharmaceutical manufacturing giant. Their scientists are looking for test subjects for a new drug, Lipivalroxythymicinpril. //Paid// test subjects. Pfister's reputation for child experimentation and unsavory business practices gives you pause. Does the team treasury really need the money that badly? Yes. Yes it does. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You gather the team for a "field trip."->Event 16a]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[HALL OF SHAME] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(track: 'event', 'fadein', 3)(track: 'event', 'loop', true)]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[After the intense training regimen you’ve subjected your team to, you decide to take them to the nearby Little League Hall of Fame & Museum. You have to pay for the team’s tickets out of pocket, but you can’t put a price on knowledge. The Little League Hall of Fame, can, however...$128.97 for admission for every little gremlin on your depth chart. Inside, the Little League Hall of Fame regales you with the rich history of kids who hit a ball with a stick before growing up to become men who hit a ball with a stick. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You hope your father doesn't notice his stolen money. ->Event 17a]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[VISIONJEST] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(track: 'event', 'fadein', 3)(track: 'event', 'loop', true)]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[During batting practice, Bartholomew has just hit your last baseball into the woods surrounding the field. “Bartholomew, would you mind getting that one?” you ask. The pouty toddler simply glares at you. You try to argue, but you can’t find the words and now feel compelled to take the rest of the team into Dirtville Forest instead. One of these days you’ll best Bartholomew’s silver tongue… ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You take the rest of the team into the woods.->Event 18a]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SARTORIAL SUBTERFUGE] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[As the big game approaches, you spend an hour searching for the team’s home uniforms in the back of the equipment locker. Yes, that's right—you spend an entire hour searching one incredibly messy locker. When you finally find the uniforms, you grimace as a cloud of moths flutter past your face. “These are fine,” you tell yourself, holding up a pair of hole-filled, rotting pants to your legs. Yeah, "fine" if you want to get arrested for clothing a Little League team in assless chaps… ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You brainstorm a solution.->Event 19a]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[INDOMITABLE STACY] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $violence < $statmax)[(set: $violence to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")["Let's talk about the digestive process," you say with a shaky smile. You shut up when Stacy rips both of your legs clean off. While screaming in agony, you stare in horror as Stacy sprints around the diamond pummeling other team members with your meaty thighs. Overall, Stacy seems to enjoy swinging your limbs much more than she ever liked swinging a baseball club...er, bat. The team cowers in fear, wondering whose arms will be next. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Violence +1)]] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 2]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[INDOMITABLE STACY] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $perfenhancement < $statmax)[(set: $perfenhancement to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Not wanting to take any chances, you sprint away from Stacy and don't stop until you've hidden in a hay bale three miles away. The other players wonder where you went, but also don't really care. Meanwhile, Stacy eats enough rocks that the chemicals turn her bones to stone and her blood to pure lead. Somehow, this doesn't kill her. It only makes her stronger. And angrier. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Drugs +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 2]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[DEVIL'S BARGAIN] [ STATS V: (print: $violence)`/13` M: (print: $magic)`/13` D: (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` B: (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You are watching Bartholomew crawl toward a pop fly in the outfield when the stench of sulfur fills your nostrils, even worse than usual for Dirtville. You choke violently and fall to your knees as your eyes start to water. Overhead, in stacatto bursts of movement, the sun warps from a bright yellow circle into a pulsating crimson claw. Glowing red tendrils extrude from the claw, connecting with each other and forming what looks like a bloody spiderweb. Dark shadows scatter over the field. You are submerged in blackness. You try to move, but fear paralyzes you. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Satan coughs politely to get your attention.-> Event 14a]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[DEVIL'S BARGAIN] [ STATS V: (print: $violence)`/13` M: (print: $magic)`/13` D: (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` B: (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")["I thought I'd drop by practice," says Satan. His body is indescribable...sin made flesh, the purest evil you've ever encountered in Dirtville today. "Because I bet God 10,000 souls that you would lose the Dirtville Classic." Satan clicks his tongue, which sounds like every act of torture ever committed by mankind. "I mean, the Worthless Dirt Boys against America's Perfect Boys? Easiest 10,000 souls I'ver ever gotten." He shrugs the entire weight of humanity's past, present, and future on his shoulders. "But now I see that you're playing by a different set of rules." ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You remain paralyzed.-> Event 14b]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[DEVIL'S BARGAIN] [ STATS V: (print: $violence)`/13` D: (print: $magic)`/13` M: (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` B: (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")["You're becoming a team of violent, magical drug abusers." Satan winks at you and somewhere on Earth a dozen children die. "Which normally, I'd be all for. But in this case, I've gotta ask you to back down. One baseball team of sin and corruption isn't worth possibly losing 10,000 souls to the Big Guy upstairs." Your paralysis lifts as Satan awaits your response. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[[[Agree to focus on baseball->Event 14 result A]] [[Call on Borbo to protect you->Event 14 result B]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[DEVIL'S BARGAIN] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $baseball > $negstatmax)[(set: $baseball to it - 2)](else:)[]](set: $devil to "A")} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[After you finish begging for your life, you swear your dedication to baseball. Satan, pleased, summons two demons to be your assistant coaches. With a sound like the murder of everyone's parents, he teleports back to the bowels of hell. Practice resumes. You introduce Satan's minions to the team and separate your players into groups for hitting and fielding. Before long, however, it becomes clear that the demons are somehow even worse than you at coaching. This is the last time you make a deal with the literal devil... (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Baseball -2)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice ends for the day.->Night hub 2]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[DEVIL'S BARGAIN] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $magic < $statmax)[(set: $magic to it + 2)](else:)[]](set: $devil to "B")} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[A soft squelch heralds Borbo's arrival. The gelatinous brown mound jiggles at Satan. "I can't believe I'm in front of gosh danged Lucifer himself," says Borbo before taking a hit from his bong. Soon, chalky smoke obscures his moist exterior. "You're taking life too seriously. Who cares about 10,000 souls? Let's just eat pudding and smoke some weed." A tense moment passes before Satan nods. Within minutes, the three of you are eating Borbo and smoking joints. "Stale pudding is the best pudding," says Satan as he wipes bits of Borbo off his evil lips. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Magic +2)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice ends for the day.->Night hub 2]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[YESTERDAY IS TODAY] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[A sharp whirring echoes across the diamond as the machine stutters. The blue electricity powering its travel time mechanism turns first to sparks, then fire, and finally a small explosion. As the smoke clears and the ringing in your ears subsides, you see four figures standing before you. John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, and Ringo Starr glance at each other with uncertainty. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [["Welcome to your new life, blokes!" Georgie says.->Event 15b]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[YESTERDAY IS TODAY] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")["Where am I?" John Lennon asks. Georgie ignores him, launching into a tired and frankly, sexist, tirade against Yoko Ono. He then explains he brought The Beatles into present day against their will and destroyed his time machine so they can't go back. He doesn't explain why. Once the Fab Four understand the gravity of the situation, they're //furious.// Except for Ringo, who watches the drama unfold with a zen-like expression on his face. You swear you spy a glimmer of omniscient calm in the drummer's eyes. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Offer The Beatles Tylenol to take the edge off->Event 15 result A]] [[Punch The Beatles until they accept their new lives->Event 15 result B]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[YESTERDAY IS TODAY] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $perfenhancement < $statmax)[(set: $perfenhancement to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You rush to the pharmacy and pick up some Tylenol, which is the best narcotic you can afford on your youth baseball coach stipend. Rejecting your drug, The Beatles leave town in an attempt to make their mark on history (again). Unfortunately, their catchy chords fail to make a mark this go around. Penniless, they spend their lives working as deliverymen in the gig economy. Oh yeah, you also force Jimmy to swallow all the Tylenol "before it goes bad." He develops massive headaches and an immunity to Tylenol. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Drugs +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 23]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[YESTERDAY IS TODAY] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $violence < $statmax)[(set: $violence to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[At your signal, the team begins pummeling The Beatles with rusty wrenches. "The wrenches were my idea," you confide in Georgie, who is the only one not attacking the musicians. Every few minutes, you stop the carnage to check if The Beatles are feeling better, but they never are. After four checks, you notice that The Beatles not only aren't feeling better—they're also dead. The world is now a darker place without the Fab Four, but at least your team had an opportunity to hone their killer instincts. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Violence +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 23]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[INFERNAL MEDICINE] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[“Welcome to Pfister,” a man in a white coat says as you enter the headquarters. “I am Doctor Payne, no relation.” “To who?” you ask. “No. To //whom.//” Dr. Payne ignores your confused look and leads the team into a blindingly white room with stainless steel exam tables. “We’re so happy to have new victims—er, volunteers. You’re really living the Pfister motto: ‘Sacrifice today for a better tomorrow...today.’” ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You push your players toward Dr. Payne.->Event 16b]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[INFERNAL MEDICINE] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Dr. Payne opens a freezer and takes out a tray lined with syringes of Lipivalroxythymicinpril. “This new drug has been proven to increase aggression in laboratory mice, which is why we’ve run out of mice and need to test on humans. Hopefully we don’t run out of them quite as quickly.” Dr. Payne picks up one of the syringes. “Who’s first?” ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[[[Inject your team with the Lipivalroxythymicinpril->Event 16 result A]] [[Tour Pfister’s assembly line, learn power of teamwork->Event 16 result B]] [[Inject team with Pfister’s experimental gorilla tranquilizers->Event 16 result C]]] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[INFERNAL MEDICINE] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $violence < $statmax)[(set: $violence to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[It’d be rude of you to turn down Dr. Payne after making him do all this work. He injects the entire team with Lipivalroxythymicinpril. Within minutes, their biceps grow as quickly as their bloodlust. Joey “Horse Face” Rockwell punches a hole clear through the wall while Stacy bites off one of Dr. Payne’s legs. "Good thing you're a doctor," you say with an awkward chuckle. Even though laughter is the best medicine, besides, like, vaccines and stuff, it doesn't make him feel any better. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Violence +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 14]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[INFERNAL MEDICINE] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $baseball > $negstatmax)[(set: $baseball to it - 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You can’t put your finger on it, but something just doesn’t seem right here. You decline Dr. Payne’s offer and walk your team into the manufacturing area. Your players study the well-oiled machine that keeps Pfister’s global supply chain moving, only witnessing three employee deaths in the process (and one was manager-approved, so it barely counts). No matter—there isn’t a price in the world you wouldn’t pay to teach your kids the value of being team player on and off the field. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Baseball -1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 14]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[INFERNAL MEDICINE] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $perfenhancement < $statmax)[(set: $perfenhancement to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[“No,” you tell Dr. Payne. “I want the //good// stuff.” Dr. Payne bangs on a section of wall, and a hidden door opens. You and the team follow him into a dimly lit concrete basement. “Here is our finest selection of gorilla tranquilizers,” he says. You inject the team with the syringes. They tell you it tastes like bananas are in their blood now. Your players immediately become expert climbers and grow opposable thumbs on their feet, at least doubling the limbs they can throw baseballs with. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Drugs +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 14]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[HALL OF SHAME] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Your players’ faces light up when you show them a priceless glove that once belonged to MVP shortstop “Stabby” Scooter, so-named for the knives he famously hid in said glove. This revolutionary technique ushered in a new era of fielding techniques and rewrote the rules of the game—namely, the rule that technically allowed knives to be hidden in baseball gloves. You also make sure to visit the exhibit honoring the greatest Little League coach of all time, Lewis “Cheating Bastard” Harrison, so-named for no reason in particular. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Hack into the database to change the rules of baseball->Event 17 result A]] [[Steal a piece of magical equipment->Event 17 result B]]] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[HALL OF SHAME] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $baseball > $negstatmax)[(set: $baseball to it - 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You slink into the backstage area through a door in the least-popular exhibit, “Good Sportsmanship Through the Decades.” Once in the employee area, Georgie hacks an unmonitored workstation and gets you into the server where the official Little League rules are stored. Chief among your changes are to allow the home team three extra infielders and allow the catcher to tickle the away team batter at any time. These should give you a huge advantage against America’s Perfect Boys. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Baseball -1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 3]]] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[HALL OF SHAME] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $magic < $statmax)[(set: $magic to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[While the museum's sheer variety of confiscated and downright dangerous baseball equipment is overwhelming, you settle on the exact piece you need to beat America’s Perfect Boys. It is a bat named //Ballbuster//. Though it is powerful enough to hit baseballs into the sun, //Ballbuster// is crafted from human bone and devours your soul if you strike out while using it. You’ll just note that as an occupational hazard on the team’s equipment report. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Magic +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 3]]] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[VISIONJEST] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[This section of Dirtville Forest is especially dense and, despite having Stacy climb a tree to get re-oriented, you and your players quickly become lost. “We’re going to die out here,” Jimmy cries. “Mommy said I’m not allowed to die without leaving a note first.” “Everybody calm down, we’re going to be fine,” you say. But you’ve heard the stories of exceptionally handsome, talented Little League coaches wandering into Dirtville Forest and never coming back… ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[[[Beg the witch of the Dirtville Woods for help->Event 18 result A]] [[Teach lesson on sacrifice in baseball by eating Georgie->Event 18 result B]] [[Seek revenge on Dirtville Forest by committing arson->Event 18 result C]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[VISIONJEST] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $magic < $statmax)[(set: $magic to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You arrange the players in a pentagram and beg for help. After a moment of painful, empty silence, a middle-aged woman with a hooked nose and a few warts appears in a robe and slippers. She has a mug of tea in one hand and a TV remote in the other. “Today was supposed to be my first goddamn day off in 300 goddamn years," the Dirtville Witch says. Then she flicks her wrist. In the blink of an eye, you're back at the field. The residual magic dust seeps into your players’ bloodstreams. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Magic +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 1]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[VISIONJEST] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $baseball > $negstatmax)[(set: $baseball to it - 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Stacy chomps down on Georgie’s arm. His arm comes clean off. A fake? Georgie flees while the rest of the team gnaws on his decoy arm. “Wow, Georgie, you finally invented something useful,” you say, shocked. “It was meant to be a fake foot,” Georgie says from the safety of a nearby tree. Afterward, you find your way out of the woods. The bonding experience will strengthen your teamwork forever. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Baseball -1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 1]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[VISIONJEST] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $violence < $statmax)[(set: $violence to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You give into your violent, pyromaniacal tendencies. Using Joey “Horse Face” Rockwell's lighter and hairspray to make a flamethrower, you ignite a wildfire that would make Smokey Bear quit the game forever. Aside from satisfying the team's thirst for destruction, the fire destroys all the trees that had been blocking your view of the field. Not only do you return to practice with minimal lung damage, but you also added a dangerous new skill to the Worthless Dirt Boys' offensive options. As long as the other team doesn't know how to stop, drop, and roll, of course. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Violence +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 1]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SARTORIAL SUBTERFUGE] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Turns out, Joey “Horse Face”’s mom is a tailor! After some admittedly emasculating begging, you convince Joey to call her to the field. "May I call you Mrs. Horse Face?" you ask as you walk her to the equipment room. "No, that's not my name," she replies. "Don't refer to me by my son's nickname." You nod and try to remember that. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[When you reach the uniforms, Mrs. Horse Face sighs.->Event 19b]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SARTORIAL SUBTERFUGE] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $violence < $statmax)[(set: $violence to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[“I want something that will punish the other team for getting near us,” you say. Mrs. Horse Face labors for hours before revealing her magnum opus: Little League uniforms covered in broken glass bottles. The newly sewn clothing is sticky with glue. "Wow," you say in admiration. Although you are certain these uniforms endanger the lives of your players, you think that is a reasonable price to pay for free uniforms. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Violence +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 21]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SARTORIAL SUBTERFUGE] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $perfenhancement < $statmax)[(set: $perfenhancement to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[“I want something that’ll give us energy when we need it most,” you say. Mrs. Horse Face labors for hours before revealing her magnum opus: Little League uniforms with a really big butt flap. "You can hide pills in your anus," she tells you. "And the flap lets you easily access them with your hand." You purse your lips. Yes, this uniform will still expose the naked bottoms of your players, which is exactly what you were trying to avoid. But on the bright side, you notice Joey "Horse Face" instructing Jimmy on how to be a proper drug mule. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Drugs +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 21]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SARTORIAL SUBTERFUGE] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $baseball > $negstatmax)[(set: $baseball to it - 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[“I want something that will pay homage to my favorite baseball team, the New York Yankees^^TM^^,” you say. Mrs. Horse Face labors for hours before revealing her magnum opus: A fresh take on the iconic pinstripes worn by the undisputed American League favorites, the New York Yankees^^TM^^. “This is great work," Mrs. Horse Face says. “I certainly hope we do not get sued by the famously litigious New York Yankees^^TM^^.” Pending lawsuits aside, you see an instant boost in confidence when your players try on their new uniforms. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Baseball -1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 21]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[FROM LATVIA WITH LOVE] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You are running the team through relay throw drills when an old Dodge Neon with an off-color quarter panel drives up to the field. You don’t recognize the car, so you continue with the training. You hit a ball to Joey “Horse Face" Rockwell. He isn’t paying attention, and the ball hits him on the forehead. He’s transfixed on the car for some reason. “Get your head in the game, Joey,” you shout. “I'll buy you as many Dodge Neons as you want as soon as we win the Dirtville Classic.” ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Joey screams and cowers behind you.->Event 20a]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SARTORIAL SUBTERFUGE] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[“I know you can't afford to pay me, and I'm not in the business of doing favors for nothing. But if you don’t beat America’s Perfect Boys, then, well, I’ll lose everything anyway,” she says. Mrs. Horse Face runs her hand against tattered fabric. She shakes her head. “I’m also not in the business of performing miracles...still, what did you have in mind?” ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Make new uniforms covered in spikes->Event 19 result A]] [[Make new uniforms with hidden methamphetamine IV drip->Event 19 result B]] [[Make new uniform with New York Yankees^^TM^^ pinstripes->Event 19 result C]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[FROM LATVIA WITH LOVE] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Three hulking men with shaved heads, gold chains, and Adidas tracksuits exit the Dodge Neon. They form a wall of muscle and Eastern European fashion sensibilities as they approach. “$name, you gotta help me,” Joey says. “I owe a lot of money to those Latvians.” “Since when have there been Latvians in Dirtville?” you ask. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[The Latvians approach.->Event 20b]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[FROM LATVIA WITH LOVE] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[“You, coach of baseball,” one of the Latvians says in a nearly indecipherable accent. “Child owes us money for product. He pay, or he die.” “Now, Bruno, how do you expect me to sell weed when it’s cut with oregano?” Joey asks. “And I’m pretty sure the last batch was just potpourri from Bed Bath & Beyond.” "Bruno only deals quality product. Bruno's drugs are A+ extra fancy Disneyworld Mickey Mouse shit. Pay up, little boy." ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[[[Challenge Bruno to a home run competition for Joey’s life->Event 20 result A]] [[Buy all of Joey’s drugs and distribute them to the team->Event 20 result B]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[FROM LATVIA WITH LOVE] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $baseball > $negstatmax)[(set: $baseball to it - 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Bruno is up first. He absolutely wails on Stacy’s pitches. The first nine easily sail out of the park. As Bruno prepares to destroy the tenth and final pitch, Joey kicks dirt in the Latvian’s eye. Bruno still connects with the pitch, but he doesn’t have enough power for a home run. There’s still a chance! You take the plate next. By some miracle, you manage to hit ten home runs. To his credit, Bruno holds up his end of the bargain—surprisingly honest for a drug dealer, right?—and leaves Joey alone. Even better, your bravery inspires your team to hit better. Or, at least it would have if they didn't hate you. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Baseball -1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 13]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[FROM LATVIA WITH LOVE] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $perfenhancement < $statmax)[(set: $perfenhancement to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[“You are silly man, coach of baseball. I like you. Give me $300 and we will be the square,” Bruno says. After forking over the cash, the team tries everything to turn Joey’s “drugs” into something useful. They snort it, smoke it, eat it, rub it on their skin, and finally inject it straight into their veins. You can’t be sure which of these worked, or even what your players just shot into their bloodstreams, but Jimmy can see in the dark now and Bartholomew is six inches taller. Money well spent, in your opinion. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Drugs +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 13]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[IN THE RED] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You entrust the scarecrow to lead cardio drills so you have a free minute to check the team's balance sheets in Excel. You're no accountant, but all the red numbers in the spreadsheet are worrying. Upon closer inspection, the team's financial situation is clear: The Worthless Dirt Boys owe ten million dollars to the island nation of Samoa. While passion for the game is obviously the most important aspect of any Little League team, money is a very close second. Plus, the Samoans are notoriously brutal debt collectors. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You check every corner of the office for cash.->Event 21a]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[IN THE RED] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You check between every couch cushion and inside every drawer, finding paperclips and lint—damn, if only both hadn't been discontinued as legal tender in Dirtville last week! You wish you'd been paying more attention when you took the team's savings from under your mattress and buried it somewhere in the outfield... This is bad. With the Worthless Dirt Boys bank account collecting dust instead of interest, what little equipment and resources you //do// have won’t last until the Dirtville Classic. You need cash, now. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[[[Rob Dirtville First National Bank at gunpoint->Event 21 result A]] [[Summon Satan to inquire about a loan->Event 21 result B]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[IN THE RED] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $violence < $statmax)[(set: $violence to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Less than an hour later, your players are armed to the teeth with AR-15s and grenade launchers. What a country! Then, you march into Dirtville First National Bank’s demanding all the cash in the vault. The teller brandishes a sawed-off shotgun from under the counter. You order the team to make a daring push in the opposite direction of your objective. You return to the field as penniless as you started—more, actually, since the guns have a strict no-refund policy. At least the kids got some much-needed firearm training. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Violence +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice ends for the day.->Night hub 3]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[IN THE RED] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $magic < $statmax)[(set: $magic to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Satan appears with a crack of lighting that sounds like the bones of every orphan in the world breaking at the same time. (if: $devil is "B")["Hello again, $name. $10,000 for 99 souls. The friends & family discount. Thanks for all the pudding, by the way."](else:)[Well, well, well if it isn't $name. How are those assistant coaches working out? $10,000 for 199 souls."] You eagerly sign Satan's contract in blood. Satan snaps his fingers and a...$10,000 Olive Garden gift card appears? What the shit? Laughing, Satan disappears with a puff of powerful demonic energy that covers the entire team. Crap...do you even //know// (if: $devil is "B")[99](else:)[199] people? Plus, you remain many millions in debt. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Magic +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice ends for the day.->Night hub 3]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SEVENTH-INNING STENCH] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You are running speed drills with your outfielders when a vile smell nearly takes you off your feet. The rancid odor makes rotten eggs smell like roses. It is the kind of stench that tickles the nose hairs before burning them off, the kind of reek that could drive a person to stuff their nostrils with used gym socks for a reprieve from the olfactory madness. When the indomitable Stacy keels over after one whiff, you know the situation is dire. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You search for the source of the stench.->Event 22a]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SEVENTH-INNING STENCH] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ “Hi, $name! It’s been exactly thirteen days and 16 hours since I last showered,” Jimmy says with a smile. “Going two weeks without bathing is the last merit badge I need to complete my collection.” “Wow, they’ll hand out merit badges for just about anything these days…” you say. Bartholomew vomits, and then looks at your inaction disapprovingly. Ok, this is officially bad now. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Force Jimmy to shower in industrial-strength cleaning chemicals->Event 22 result A]] [[Violently bottle Jimmy's stench for use in chemical warfare->Event 22 result B]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SEVENTH-INNING STENCH] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $perfenhancement < $statmax)[(set: $perfenhancement to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS V: (print: $violence)`/13` M: (print: $magic)`/13` P: (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` B: (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ Jimmy’s quest for his last merit badge is admirable, but also endangering the entire team. You and Alistair toss Jimmy into the locker room’s showers and dump an entire bucket of cleaning chemicals on him. The powerful solution seeps into Jimmy’s skin. His body odor is replaced with the sickly sterile smell of a hospital. What’s more, the chemicals are so effective that they inhibit Jimmy’s ability to sweat. With all that water now staying inside his body (where it belongs) he'll have much more stamina on the field. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Drugs +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 15]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SEVENTH-INNING STENCH] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $violence < $statmax)[(set: $violence to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS V: (print: $violence)`/13` M: (print: $magic)`/13` P: (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` B: (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ “Jimmy, you deserve way more than a merit badge for creating this smell,” you say, plugging your nose. The other players get to work preserving Jimmy’s miraculous discovery any way they can. After about an hour, the Worthless Dirt Boys have a stockpile impressive enough to draw unanimous condemnation from the United Nations. If all’s fair in love and war, certainly baseball is high enough on that list to justify weaponized body odor… (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Violence +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 15]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SALEM'S YACHT] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You and the team go to the Dirtville River yet again after the EPA declares the field a superfund site. Once there, you notice a grounded ship farther down the riverbank. It looks like an old yacht from the 80’s, but there could still be something valuable onboard. You take Alistair, Stacy, and the scarecrow to search the yacht. You climb aboard using a fallen tree as a bridge. The wooden deck creaks under your feet. A family of Dirtville dirtcrabs scatter as you approach. You use a hatch to go below deck, landing in a partially flooded stateroom with moldy velour furniture. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You take a look around.->Event 23a]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SALEM'S YACHT] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[“$name, it’s gross in here,” Alistair says. “And I //like// dungeons. The only cool thing in here is this coffin-shaped box.” “You mean...a coffin?” you ask. Alistair opens it. He gasps. A pale woman, nearly translucent, is sleeping in the coffin. Her incisors are so long that they poke out of her mouth and past her lower lip. She is dressed in the most unapologetically 80’s outfit you’ve ever seen: gigantic shoulder pads, teased hair extensions, high-waisted jeans, hot pink leg warmers. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [["Are you a vampire?" you ask, incredulous.->Event 23b]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SALEM'S YACHT] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[The vampire rises out of the coffin as if suspended on invisible strings. The sight of Alistair causes her to do a double take. “Another of Cain’s children? Greetings, brother, my name is Karen.” Alistair blushes. “No, I just shop at Hot Topic.” “What good is eternal life if I could only experience the 80s for ten years?” Karen asks, sighing. “Still, humans, I should thank you for waking me. Do you know where I can get some cocaine?" ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Let Karen turn Alistair into a supernatural creature of the night->Event 23 result A]] [[Drive a stake through Karen’s heart->Event 23 result B]] [[Ask Karen for baseball tips->Event 23 result C]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SALEM'S YACHT] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $magic < $statmax)[(set: $magic to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Karen bites Alistair’s neck and drains his blood. Then, after a quick, mostly ceremonial nap in Karen’s coffin, Alistair awakens as a vampire. He looks almost identical to before, save for an even paler complexion. What Alistair lacks in melanin, though, he makes up for in brute strength and supernatural agility. His vampiric powers are set to make him the third, maybe second-best fielder on the entire team. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Magic +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 19]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SALEM'S YACHT] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $violence < $statmax)[(set: $violence to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You pierce Karen's heart with a broken table leg, causing the vampire to shrivel into a dried husk of scrunchies and Swatch watches. You breathe easy knowing Dirtville will be safe from danger tonight. Well, danger related to this one, very specific threat, anyway. Someone's got to figure out what to do about the cancerous fumes coming out of the town well. You teach Alistair and Stacy the proper technique for staking vampires. Although you doubt there are any undead on America's Perfect Boys, you still figure stabbing human players in the heart is likely to impede their baseball skills. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Violence +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 19]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[SALEM'S YACHT] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $baseball > $negstatmax)[(set: $baseball to it - 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[“Oh...that's it?” Karen asks. “I’ve been alive for centuries. Saw entire civilizations rise and fall, took art lessons from Leonardo da Vinci and drank absinthe with Hemingway in Paris." You nod. You sure as hell aren't here to make small talk. "OK...baseball. Right," Karen says. "The key to that one is scoring more runs than the other team. Also, try to catch balls before they hit the ground. I’ve heard that’s helpful.” Brilliant! You take three pages of notes. Armed with these tips, America’s Perfect Boys won’t know what hit ‘em. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Baseball -1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice continues...->Event 19]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[MVP] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Standing proudly on first base, the scarecrow shakes slightly in the blistering wind. With several baseball gloves nailed to its slender frame, it's about two dozen times more likely to catch a ball than anyone else on the Worthless Dirt Boys. In fact, the only out you've had this entire season was a pop fly that happened to land in one of the scarecrow's many gloves. "The others could learn a thing or two from you," you tell the straw-stuffed farm implement. The scarecrow does not reply because it is an inanimate object. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Yeah, you've always liked the strong and silent types.->Event 25a]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[MVP] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You turn and watch Stacy as she warms up. Wrenching her arm back, she hurls a baseball at Bartholomew's throat. The ball collides with his windpipe and decapitates him. "Stacy really shouldn't be around children," you mutter to yourself, quietly enough that she can't hear. You furrow your brow as you turn back to the scarecrow. How can you impart its baseball talents to the rest of your sorry players? ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[[[Use black magic to bring the scarecrow to life->Event 25 result A]] [[Give the scarecrow Ritalin just to see if it helps->Event 25 result B]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[MVP] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $magic < $statmax)[(set: $magic to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[After consulting with the local witch coven, you prep a spell to turn the scarecrow human. You eat a live possum while singing a bawdy sea shanty before realizing you accidentally cast the spell in the wrong direction. "You brought me back from the dead," Bartholomew says, his neck healed. "But you didn't mean to. You don't get any credit." Your child nemesis is alive (again), while your best player //still// isn't? This is worse than any curse the Dirtville coven could sling. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Magic +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice ends for the day.->Night hub 1]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[MVP] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(if: $perfenhancement < $statmax)[(set: $perfenhancement to it + 1)](else:)[]]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You jam dozens of pills into every crevice of the scarecrow's flimsy body. Once out of Ritalin, you step back and yell, "free drugs!" Your players flock to you and expertly pick out the pills. While you have them assembled, you try to lecture them on the advantages of playing like the scarecrow. Unfortunately, no one listens. Fortunately, the team is now hyper-focused because of the Ritalin. This includes Bartholomew, who is now transfixed on reattaching his bloody head. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Drugs +1)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Practice ends for the day.->Night hub 1]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[WELCOME TO DIRTVILLE] [{(display: "Startup")(if: (saved-games:) contains "File A")[(save-game: "File A")](else:)[](unless: (track: 'event', 'isplaying'))[(track: 'event', 'fadein', 1)]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Dirtville. Located in the burnt dust plains of Arkansas, only two things prevent this tiny town from falling into poverty. The first is your father, who singlehandedly carries a tenth of the economy by delivering glass bottles of sweet, ice-cold milk. The second, representing 90% of Dirtville's financial fortunes, is the annual Little League baseball game between the Worthless Dirt Boys and their rivals, America's Perfect Boys from the town of $heaven. Somehow, the Dirtville Classic determines whether Dirtville staves off a recession year after year. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[There's only one problem.->Intro 2]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[WELCOME TO DIRTVILLE] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[The Worthless Dirt Boys are the worst youth baseball team in the country. During your six years as the head coach, not only have you failed to win a single game, you've lost all of them by mercy rule. You've never managed three outs in a season, let alone an inning. The one time you got a runner on base, it was ruled illegal because the player just walked there for no reason. The coach of America's Perfect Boys is bored of crushing Dirtville year after year after year. As a result, $heaven has issued an ultimatum. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[If you don't win this year, the Dirtville Classic is over.->Intro 3]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[WELCOME TO DIRTVILLE] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You have three days to transform the worst baseball players in the country into a team good enough to beat America's Perfect Boys for the first time in 99 years of the Dirtville Classic. Can you turn these misfits around and save the town? Probably not, considering you've already been their coach for six years and the team has only gotten worse, but there's always a chance, right? ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You strategize on your plan.->Intro 4]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[WELCOME TO DIRTVILLE] [{(Save-game: "File A")(if: (track: 'dirtville night', 'isplaying'))[(track: 'dirtville night', 'fadeout', 1)(track: 'event', 'fadein', 1)(track: 'event', 'loop', true)]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Each day features six to eight training sessions. You'll have to do whatever it takes to win this game, so don't be afraid to be unconventional with your choices. You can improve with Violence, Drugs, Magic, and, of course, Baseball. Also, you can reset to the morning of the current day in the OPTIONS MENU if you want to give those sessions another go. When practice ends, use the evening to live it up in Dirtville. Your stats might open new options for your nightlife, too. But right now, it's 11 AM on Wednesday. You pull the kids out of school and kick off practice. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[`<Game saved>`] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Time to get started...->Event 4]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[AN OLD FRIEND] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(track: 'dirtville night', 'fadein', 3)](track: 'dirtville night', 'loop', true)} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You arrive at Dirtville’s only watering hole, the Desperation Inn, a little after sundown. You didn’t get mugged or attacked by mudweasels on your way over, which is a nice change of pace. Yes, tonight is going to be a good night—and with one solid day of training on the books, you’ve earned a drink. You enter the Desperation Inn, stepping over an unconscious middle-aged woman who you are fairly certain was your second-grade teacher. As soon as you’re inside, you have to duck to avoid a chair being thrown at somebody. You sidestep two burly bikers taking turns punching each other in the face. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You approach the bar.->Kylie N1 2]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[AN OLD FRIEND] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[“Hey, $name,” the bartender says as you approach. You do not know the bartender’s name, though he’s been serving you alcohol here since you were nine. At this point, you are too afraid to ask now since you’re basically family. So, instead of greeting him, you ask for the regular: a Dirtville Fizz. The fluorescent purple cocktail glowers at you. 1 part bourbon, 2 parts grain alcohol, and 3 parts pure evil, Dirtville Fizz is the kind of cocktail that’ll drink //you// if you let your guard down. The Desperation Inn’s staff are still scraping the last tourists who drank one off the ceiling. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[A familiar-looking woman catches your eye.->Kylie N1 3]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE ENCOUNTER] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(track: 'dirtville night', 'fadein', 3)](track: 'dirtville night', 'loop', true)} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Standing motionless on the pitching mound, you watch your players' parents drive into the parking lot and pick up their children. None of the adults say anything about your creepy stares, but you have a feeling this is because they wrote you off a long time ago. (if: $invite is 1)[You decide not to ruin Kylie's night with your presence.] "All the best coaches need to work through adversity," you mutter. "Someday, I'm going to win the Super Bowl."] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [["Just like Wayne Gretzky," you add.->Plod N2 2]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE ENCOUNTER] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[As the last of the cars exit the parking lot, you shake your head. "As a youth baseball coach, I am the most important figure in these kids' lives. Why do none of them understand that?" You spit on the dry, brown dirt at your feet. "Hell, if it wasn't for me, Jimmy wouldn't know that the Earth is a trapezoid made of musty oranges," you say. Your empty words echo around the empty field. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Sighing, you head to the dugout.->Plod N2 3]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE ENCOUNTER] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[In the corner, nestled between a broken locker and a pale corpse, lies the Worthless Dirt Boys' iconic mascot: a plastic bag filled with dirt. The rich, luscious dirt is ensconced in translucent, almost wispy plastic filament. You are entranced. The rapid pounding of your heart fades to the back of your mind as you admire how the dirt is simultaneously smooth and chunky. As you smile dreamily, pressure crushes your chest. You drop to your knees. The room begins to spin as you recognize the telltale signs of a heart attack. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[{(if: $perfenhancement >= 3)[[[Take drugs to save your life->Plod N2 5]] (colour: $green)[(Drugs ≥ 3)]](else:)[(opacity: 0.5)[<strike>Take drugs to save your life</strike>] (colour: $red)[(Drugs < 3)]]} [[Die->Plod N2 ending A 1]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE ENCOUNTER] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Reaching inside your zebra-striped fanny pack, you retrieve a dimebag of heroin. With the skill of an expert nurse or, in your case, a heroin enthusiast, you heat the powder and then inject it in your arm. You inhale deeply and close your eyes, hoping it will work. Yet when technicolor hallucinations of beautiful women manifest in your mind, you are repulsed by their fleshy bodies. In this moment, you realize the dirt bag is your soulmate. "We are Hamlet and Juliet," you mumble. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You purge the heroin from your body with the power of love.->Plod N2 6]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE ENCOUNTER] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[The next day, you awaken to Georgie holding a scalpel and buzzsaw. "You're a cyborg now," he tells you. Astounded at Georgie's brilliance, you blink back tears of gratitude. Except that you can't cry because you're a cyborg. "Why did you save my life?" you ask. Georgie shrugs as he places two slices of bread into twin slots on your stomach. "I wanted toast," he replies. Then, you hear a subtle //ding// as he removes freshly toasted bread from inside you. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[As Georgie leaves, you think about the dirt bag.->Plod N2 ending A 3]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE ENCOUNTER] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Fully recovered, you approach the dirt bag cautiously. As you walk through the dugout, an involuntary chuckle escapes from your mouth. Love works in the most surprising ways. It really does. When you near the gorgeous bag of dirt, your body suddenly grows cold and your skin turns clammy. You wipe a thin trail of sweat from your brow. First impressions only happen once. What if you mess this up? ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[{(if: $violence >= 4)[[[Knock some sense into yourself->Plod N2 7]] (colour: $green)[(Violence ≥ 4)]](else:)[(opacity: 0.5)[<strike>Knock some sense into yourself</strike>] (colour: $red)[(Violence < 4)]]} [[Run away screaming->Plod N2 ending B 1]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE ENCOUNTER] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You grab a sledgehammer and smash your jaw while lifting it over your head. Almost all of your teeth shatter as searing pain sends you staggering backwards. But while your broken jaw makes it almost impossible to speak, your anxiety is gone. You confidently strut toward the dirt bag. "How many dirt bags am I in love with?" you ask. You let the pickup line sit in the stale dugout air for an entire minute to build up suspense. "A baseball coach never tells," you say with a wink. One of your teeth falls to the floor. //Nailed it.// ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You spend the rest of the night talking to the team mascot.->Plod N2 8]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE ENCOUNTER] [(set: $meetplod to 1) STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You begin to run away while screaming loudly. However, you are certain the dirt bag hears your screams. Even though you were too scared to make a first impression, you've made one anyway. Now, the dirt bag must think you're a really loud screamer. Tears stream down your face as humiliation darkens your cheeks into twin shades of maroon. You vow to ask the dirt bag on a date after practice tomorrow. "My sweet Dirt Plod, I know we're meant to be together," you mutter to yourself. "I promise I'm more than a really loud screamer!" ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[After returning home, you skip dinner and go straight to bed.->Day 3 morning hub]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE ENCOUNTER] [(set: $plod to 1)(set: $meetplod to 1) STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[At five a.m., you tenderly say goodbye to the dirt bag with the promise of a date the next night. Once you arrive at home, you are so excited you can't sleep. "My sweet Dirt Plod," you say to yourself, repeating the phrase over and over again. Despite your broken jaw, you smile. Life is looking up for $name. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You eventually pass out for a few hours.->Day 3 morning hub]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE BIG DATE] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[The Dirt Plod ignores your reasonable rebuttal and lays out their proposal. Having killed the most popular figure in Dirtville history since Jeremiah Dingledorf, the two of you will never be accepted here. But, you realize, you can flee to France—a country that has embraced dirt-human relationships for centuries. "If I leave tonight, who will coach the Worthless Dirt Boys tomorrow?" you wonder aloud. The Dirt Plod looks at you with a beseeching piece of leaf in its eye. "Only our relationship matters now," they say. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[{(if: $perfenhancement >= 8 and $plod is 1)[[[Elope with the Dirt Plod->Plod Secret Ending]] (colour: $green)[(Drugs ≥ 8) (Romanced Dirt Plod yesterday)]](elseif: $perfenhancement < 8 and $plod is 1)[(opacity: 0.5)[<strike>Elope with the Dirt Plod</strike>] (colour: $red)[(Drugs < 8)] (colour: $green)[(Romanced Dirt Plod yesterday)]](elseif: $perfenhancement >= 8 and $plod is 0)[(opacity: 0.5)[<strike>Elope with the Dirt Plod</strike>] (colour: $green)[(Drugs < 8)] (colour: $red)[(Romanced Dirt Plod yesterday)]](else:)[(opacity: 0.5)[<strike>Elope with the Dirt Plod</strike>] (colour: $red)[(Drugs < 8) (Romanced Dirt Plod yesterday)]]} [[Break your heart and end this relationship->Plod N3 13]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE BIG DATE] [{(ach-add: "Love Soils All")(set: $gameclear to 1)} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You and the Dirt Plod flee Dirtville, but you don't have enough money to make it to France, so you settle in a part of Canada where most people speak French. It's not quite the same, but at least you have poutine. You assume Dirtville never recovered from losing its leader and iconic mascot in a single day. But you never know for sure because you and the Dirt Plod are too busy living the life of your dreams. Well, except for the fact that no one wants to look at pictures of your horrifying dirt-human babies. But hey, that's a small price to pay for love! (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Achievement unlocked: Love Soils All)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Thanks for playing! Try again for a different ending?->START MENU]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[AN OLD FRIEND] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[The woman has blue eyes that glow like irradiated tungsten. Manicured fingernails that are borderline serene. A chin sharp enough to grate cheese yet gentle enough to tickle a baby. Cheekbones higher than the tallest shelf in God’s kitchen. But //why// is she so familiar? Suddenly, you blurt out her name. Kylie Jenson. The woman turns to face you. “$name? What are you doing here?” You raise your Dirtville Fizz for a toast, careful not to spill a drop since you need all of your fingers for tomorrow’s training. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [["Meeting an old friend, I guess," you say.->Kylie N1 4]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[AN OLD FRIEND] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You and Kylie talk for an hour straight. It’s as if no time has passed. The dulcet tones of her laughter, which undulate as playfully as wine-stained linens on a clothesline, make you feel more drunk than any number of Dirtville Fizzes ever could. Or it could be the 8 Dirtville Fizzes you’ve pounded in the past 60 minutes. “You’re still in Dirtville, I take it?” Kylie asks. “Of course. Why would anyone ever leave Dirtville?” You lift your feet onto the bar stool’s bottom rung as an unidentified bodily fluid on the floor runs past. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You ask Kylie where she's living now.->Kylie N1 5]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[AN OLD FRIEND] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Kylie looks around the Desperation Inn nervously. “I, well...I live in $heaven.” The entire bar goes dead quiet, aided by the fact that a few patrons have already expired this evening. One of the burly bikers from earlier approaches with a crowd. He looks like a wrecking ball with legs. If wrecking balls carried machetes. “Where’d she say she was from?” You try to hide your own surprise at Kylie’s answer while you consider your options and your own mortality. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[{(if: $violence >=1)[[[Throw your entire Dirtville Fizz down biker’s throat->Kylie N1 5 result A]] (colour: $green)[(Violence ≥ 1)]](else:)[(opacity: 0.5)[<strike>Throw your entire Dirtville Fizz down biker’s throat</strike>] (colour: $red)[(Violence < 1)]]} [[Blend into the crowd by punching Kylie in the face->Kylie N1 5 result B]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[AN OLD FRIEND] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[A true master of subterfuge, you give Kylie a good haymaker to convince the biker that you wouldn’t be caught dead hanging out with somebody from $heaven. Unfortunately for you, Kylie has only been drinking club soda with lime, so her reaction speed is much faster than you anticipated. She catches your fist in mid-air, twists, breaks your wrist, and then kicks you in the stomach. The biker and every other bar patron are so shocked that they let Kylie walk out scot-free. Between waves of excruciating pain, you realize you’ll probably never see Kylie Jenson again. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You go home and cry yourself to sleep.->Day 2 morning hub]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[AN OLD FRIEND] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Laughing, you and Kylie scamper out of the Desperation Inn and spill out onto Main Street. “That guy almost killed us,” you say, choking on your laughter. “I should be dead right now,” Kylie says, tears of mirth in her eyes. You look at Kylie. Dirtville’s main drag stretches on behind her. Is it just you, or are the boarded-up storefronts and flickering street lights more beautiful tonight? ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[“Well, I should call it a night,” Kylie says.->Kylie N1 7]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[AN OLD FRIEND] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You whisk Kylie away to the other side of town, where trains regularly roll through Dirtville and wisely keep going. As is tradition, you and Kylie hum Dirtville’s municipal anthem, “Lord Bless This Accursed Land,” while doing handstands on the train tracks. You make it through three verses before you fall over, knocking Kylie over as well. You collapse in a pile of civic pride and laughter. As a result, you catch a whiff of her scent. It’s delicate but pungent, like the way the smell of your favorite fast food meal lingers in the car for a few hours after lunch. Delightful. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You and Kylie find a place to sit.->Kylie N1 9a]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[AN OLD FRIEND] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[“You really know how to show a girl a life-threatening time,” Kylie says. “You really live in $heaven now?” you ask. She sighs, motioning to the train tracks that, on average, grievously injure each Dirtville resident 3.72 times per year. “Dirtville was always too small for me. $heaven is the kind of place where a woman can chase her dreams, a place where she can sell overpriced makeup to yuppies and get bangs and drink kale for breakfast.” ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [["You don't think you'll ever come back?" you ask.->Kylie N1 10]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[AN OLD FRIEND] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[“$name. I literally hate this place. I only come back to visit my grandma every now and then,” Kylie answers. “Maybe I can visit //you// in $heaven,” you say, trying to smile seductively but instead contorting your face into a frozen expression akin to an old man sucking on a sour candy. “Tomorrow night?” Kylie scratches her chin. “Maybe...I don’t know.” ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[{(if: $magic >= 3)[[[Impress Kylie with a card trick->Kylie N1 10 result A]] (colour: $green)[(Magic ≥ 3)]](else:)[(opacity: 0.5)[<strike>Impress Kylie with a card trick</strike>] (colour: $red)[(Magic < 3)]]} [[Ruin Kylie's outfit with your sick samurai sword skills->Kylie N1 10 result B]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[AN OLD FRIEND] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You whip out the samurai sword you bought from the legendary swordsmith of yore down at the Dirtville Flea Market. His name is Kevin. He has a ponytail. Then, you perform a series of complex slicing and dicing maneuvers that would make any vegetable cower in fear. Unfortunately, your impressive show of force utterly ruins Kylie’s expensive designer outfit. She slaps you in the face and runs off into the night. Between waves of embarrassment, you realize you’ll probably never see Kylie Jenson again. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You go home to rest up for tomorrow's practice.->Day 2 morning hub]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[AN OLD FRIEND] [(set: $invite to 1) STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You ask Kylie to pick a card from your magic deck. Then, you snap your fingers. The Dingledorf Memorial Children's Hospital across the street blows up. Hundreds of copies of the queen of hearts flutter down on you both like ashy snowfall. “Is this your card?” you ask, catching one between your fingers. Kylie’s eyes light up more than they already were from the burning leukemia ward. She tells you to meet her in downtown $heaven at 7 p.m. sharp tomorrow. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Invited to $heaven)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You go home to rest up for tomorrow's practice.->Day 2 morning hub]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[GAME DAY] [{(save-game: "File A")(set: $day to "Game day")(track: 'game day', 'fadeout', 1)(track: 'dirtville night', 'fadeout', 1)(track: 'new heaven', 'fadeout', 1)(track: 'event', 'fadeout', 1)} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Before you know it, Saturday morning arrives at your doorstep and you make your way to the pot-hole filled, gravel-stuffed surface your town calls a field. (if: $kyliewin is 1)[Kylie, in disguise for her safety, waves at you from the home bleachers.](else:)[] It is time for the Dirtville Classic. Everything has led to this—all those long, sweaty days filled with violence, magic, and drugs. Also, some baseball. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[`<Game saved>`] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You take a moment to admire your team.->Game Day 2]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[GAME DAY] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(track: 'game day', 'fadein', 3)(track: 'game day', 'loop', true)]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Your best player, the scarecrow, stands stoically in the outfield. Your smile disappears when you see Bartholomew, your toddler nemesis, waddling in your direction. You wish he were dead. In the dugout, Georgie tries to convince Jimmy to stick his head into the black hole generator he made. Meanwhile, Alistair broods loudly by the bench, hoping Stacy will notice him. She doesn't, but Borbo does, and the pudding god sludges over to the goth teen to advise him on how to be less desperate. And, of course, Joey "Horse Face" Rockwell is peddling drugs in his usual spot behind the concession stand. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You turn your attention to America's Perfect Boys.->Game Day 3]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[GAME DAY] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[(if: $perfectboy is 1)[As you saw yesterday in $heaven, these twelve-year-olds are absolutely jacked.](else:)[These twelve-year-olds are absolutely jacked.] As they perform standing quad stretches, you are amazed to hear them count to thirty. You stare at your stubby fingers in shock. How can they count that high? Your jaw drops as you watch them string together repeated catches. You glance back at Jimmy, who is on his hands and knees rolling a baseball toward Stacy. The Dirtville Roller, a technique you pioneered, sacrifices speed for accuracy. But against America's Perfect Boys, it looks like you may need to try actually throwing the ball instead. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You swallow a lump in your throat. You're doomed.->Game Day 4]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[GAME DAY] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[But there's no time to change your strategy. Everything has led to this, and now you have to ask: how is your team going to play? ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[[[Just play regularly->Standard ending 1]] (if: $violence >= 12)[[[Violently->Violence max ending 1]] (colour: $green)[(Violence ≥ 12)]](else:)[(opacity: 0.5)[<strike>Violently</strike>] (colour: $red)[(Violence < 12)]] (if: $magic >= 12)[[[Magically->Magic max ending 1]] (colour: $green)[(Magic ≥ 12)]](else:)[(opacity: 0.5)[<strike>Magically</strike>] (colour: $red)[(Magic < 12)]] (if: $perfenhancement >= 12)[[[On drugs->Drugs max ending 1]] (colour: $green)[(Drugs ≥ 12)]](else:)[(opacity: 0.5)[<strike>On drugs</strike>] (colour: $red)[(Drugs < 12)]] (if: $baseball <= -10)[[[Sportsmanship!->Baseball min ending 1]] (colour: $green)[(Baseball ≤ -10)]](else:)[(opacity: 0.5)[<strike>Sportsmanship!</strike>] (colour: $red)[(Baseball > -10)]] (if: $kyliewin is 1)[[[Forget the game, Kylie's waiting for you!->Kylie secret ending 1]] (colour: $green)[(Romanced Kylie)]](else:)[(opacity: 0.5)[<strike>Forget the game, Kylie's waiting for you!</strike>] (colour: $red)[(Romanced Kylie)]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[(uppercase: $heaven) NIGHTLIFE] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(track: 'new heaven', 'fadein', 3)](track: 'new heaven', 'loop', true)} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Yeah, you'd be crazy to turn Kylie down, especially after the day you had. You put on your best outfit, with your mother’s help of course, and then start driving. $heaven is about 45 minutes down the highway. But you don’t need the exit sign to know you’re getting close. The vegetation around $heaven is a vibrant green, and the sky somehow seems bluer and...//bigger.// ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You drive into $heaven.->Kylie N2 2]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[(uppercase: $heaven) NIGHTLIFE] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Driving down the main drag of $heaven feels like a ride at Disney World. Calming new-age muzak is playing, seemingly from nowhere. The streets are clear of garbage and debris, a sight you only get during Dirtville’s singular garbage day each decade. Droves of obscenely beautiful people mill up and down the sidewalk. Their faces are smooth, their bodies lean and athletic, their retirement accounts as plump as their glutes. You park. Kylie should be here any minute. You exit your car in a cloud of trash and smog. The $heaven citizens around you cough as they glare at you. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You find Kylie in the crowd.->Kylie N2 3]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[(uppercase: $heaven) NIGHTLIFE] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[“Sorry I’m late,” Kylie says. “There was an emergency at the Mayor’s office, we had too much money left in the municipal budget and we had to figure out which orphanage got a new swimming pool.” You hug Kylie. The instant you touch her, sirens blare and two $heaven police officers detain you. “Ma’am, is this disgusting, impoverished man bothering you?” One of the officers asks Kylie. “He smells like a diaper filled with sulfur,” the other cop says. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[{(if: $perfenhancement >= 5)[[[Use your enhanced muscles to throw cops into space->Kylie N2 3 result A]] (colour: $green)[(Drugs ≥ 5)]](else:)[(opacity: 0.5)[<strike>Use your enhanced muscles to throw cops into space</strike>] (colour: $red)[(Drugs < 5)]]} [[Be a good citizen and comply with law enforcement->Kylie N2 3 result B]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[(uppercase: $heaven) NIGHTLIFE] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Channeling your chemically induced muscle density, you clench both cops by the throat. Then, you throw the officers into low orbit with one good heave upward. You're sure they'll enjoy their surprise transfer to the International Space Station. “I had no idea you were so...strong,” Kylie purrs, rubbing your biceps. Then, she shakes her head as if coming out of a daze. “I mean...you didn’t come to $heaven to launch people into the stratosphere, right? Let’s go!” ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You continue your tour of downtown $heaven.->Kylie N2 4]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[(uppercase: $heaven) NIGHTLIFE] [(set: $kyliebad to 1)(set: $dinnerdate to 1) STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[As a respectful, law-abiding citizen, you’d never dream of resisting arrest. The $heaven police officers handcuff you and make you lay face-down on the pavement. It’s not all bad, though. The sidewalk in $heaven tastes like cotton candy. The cops promptly arrest you, but at least they only accidentally shoot you twice while writing up the paperwork. You are released hours later. Kylie is nowhere to be found. You are banned from entering the $heaven city limits for life. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You drive home.->Kylie N2 3 result Ba]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[(uppercase: $heaven) NIGHTLIFE] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You and Kylie gleefully gallivant through the park district. The air smells like cinnamon and cloves. Dancing children pluck fruit directly from the trees and eat it. The last time you ate something you found growing in Dirtville, you caught the bubonic plague. Yes, //that// one. “I don’t miss Dirtville at all,” Kylie says. “It’s not just about who you know or how much you donate to the Chamber of Commerce here. It’s also about how much you donate to the mayor’s re-election campaign. And people are always willing to lend a helping hand, especially after you go to their Arbonne parties.” ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You and Kylie pass a baseball field.->Kylie N2 5]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[(uppercase: $heaven) NIGHTLIFE] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[“...so then I figured out the stain was actually on the //inside// of the shirt,” you say. But as you’re about to finish your anecdote, your jaw drops and all the air rushes out of your lungs. Before you is the most pristine baseball diamond you’ve ever seen. The grass is a perfect shade of emerald. The white lines on the base paths are unerringly straight. The pitcher’s mound is an actual mound, and not just a pile of used tires and syringes like the one in Dirtville. And then, you see them. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Twenty blonde-haired, blue-eyed kids run onto the field.->Kylie N2 6]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[(uppercase: $heaven) NIGHTLIFE] [(set: $perfectboy to 1) STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[America’s Perfect Boys. The tallest, most muscular twelve-year-olds you’ve ever seen. The team’s captain, who inexplicably has a full beard, snaps his fingers. The players backflip into their fielding positions for practice. As much as you hate to admit it, you’re witnessing poetry in motion. You can’t believe the way they hold the right end of the bat while hitting; you cannot comprehend how the pitcher throws in such a way that the ball goes over home plate; you fail to understand the manner in which one fielder catches a line drive and then //throws it to another player.// ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[After 15 minutes of awe, you continue your date with Kylie.->Kylie N2 7]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[(uppercase: $heaven) NIGHTLIFE] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Kylie chuckles. “Folks here in $heaven are much more civilized than Dirtville. Our polo players ride unemployed people. It’s a great way to put those poor wretches to work. Helps them have some dignity again, you know?” You watch as one of the players whips their human with a riding crop. “So compassionate,” you say, wiping a tear from your eye. Then, a different, absurdly attractive player trots up to Kylie. You instantly recognize him as Alfred Alabaster Kenningsworth III. Alfred hands Kylie a rose. She blushes and giggles. You are filled with a jealous rage. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[(if: $magic >= 7)[[[Cast a spell to turn his mount into a real horse->Kylie N2 8 result A]] (colour: $green)[(Magic ≥ 7)]](else:)[(opacity: 0.5)[<strike>Cast a spell to turn his mount into a real horse</strike>] (colour: $red)[(Magic < 7)]] [[Rip off your clothes and do a mating dance for Kylie’s love->Kylie N2 8 result B]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[(uppercase: $heaven) NIGHTLIFE] [(set: $dinnerdate to 1) STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[With a flick of your wrist and a wiggle of your left pinky toe, Alfred’s impoverished mount transmogrifies into an actual polo pony. Alfred cries out in confusion, but the newly created horse is even more confused and five times heavier. The horse bucks Alfred off and then rampages through the Ted Cruz Memorial Polo Field. It’s a massacre. Caviar is trampled. 32 people, including Alfred, are killed. Fine linens are soiled. Kylie doesn’t notice, though. She’s too busy swooning over you. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Kylie speaks.->Kylie N2 result A 2]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[(uppercase: $heaven) NIGHTLIFE] [(set: $dinnerdate to 1)(set: $kyliebad to 1)(set: $delusional to 1) STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Enough is enough. You rip off your clothes, which is easier than you expected thanks to the holes they already had, and then launch into an improvised mating dance. You thrust what the Good Lord gave you while hoping He is looking away in this unconscionably carnal, indescribably lustful moment. When you finish the mating dance, you realize the entire crowd at the Ted Cruz Memorial Polo Field is staring at you. Your face gets hot with embarrassment. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Kylie bursts into a fit of laughter.->Kylie N2 result B 2]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[(uppercase: $heaven) NIGHTLIFE] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[“I had no idea you were so...arcane,” Kylie purrs. “You'd really bend the fabric of the natural world just for me?” Then, she kisses you on the cheek. “Well, I should get home. Maybe you can see it tomorrow...if you're still interested.” Your entire body lights up like a fireworks show, and not the Dirtville kind that always start forest fires. You nod. “Dinner and a movie, my place, 7 p.m.” Kylie says. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Invited to Kylie's house)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You head home for the night.->Day 3 morning hub]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[(uppercase: $heaven) NIGHTLIFE] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Then, Kylie literally runs away before you can ask when your next date is. Humiliated and sore from pelvis-down, you slog back to your car. You have plenty to think about on the drive home. The date could've gone better, you admit. Wait. Maybe Kylie was so impressed by your raw sexual energy that she had to laugh and run away to contain her desires. Yes, that's it! Kylie was sending a clear message. She wants you, bad. It'll have to wait until tomorrow night, though, since an important day of practice is ahead of you. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You make it home safely.->Day 3 morning hub]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[AT KYLIE'S PLACE] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(track: 'new heaven', 'fadein', 3)](track: 'new heaven', 'loop', true)} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Though your stomach is in knots about the Dirtville Classic tomorrow, you can’t help but be excited about your date with Kylie. After all, she must really like you if she (if: $delusional is 1)[basically invited you to find her address by looking up her real estate purchase in the $heaven public records.](else:)[invited you to her //home//(if: $kyliebad is 1)[ despite the many blunders you've made in this courtship.](else:)[.]] You drive to a suburban neighborhood just outside $heaven. You pass a handful of opulent mansions before reaching the mouth of Kylie’s driveway. Wait. Those other mansions //are// Kylie’s house. Her gated property is palatial, a four-story neoclassical monstrosity with a six-car garage. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ (if: $delusional is 0)[[[You request access via the gatehouse.->Kylie N3 2]]](else:)[[[You hack the front gate so it opens for your car.->Kylie N3 2]]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[AT KYLIE'S PLACE] [(set: $kyliebad to 1) STATS V: (print: $violence)`/13` M: (print: $magic)`/13` P: (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` B: (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Tom Hanks is a living legend, so he should have //some// say in what movie he’ll painstakingly perform live for you and Kylie. After some debate, you settle on the 1982 made-for-TV classic Mazes & Monsters. He recreates the entire movie for you live with film-quality props and sets. It’s the perfect date movie, except for how it features baseless moral panic, oversimplified conversations about mental health, and nerds playing board games. Tom Hanks gives the role his all, but even the multi-Oscar winning writer, director, producer, and actor can’t give the script the romantic flair this date night needs. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Kylie pulls away from you.->Kylie N3 6a]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[AT KYLIE'S PLACE] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[“And no, the rug isn’t a real panda,” Kylie says. “I just bought a polar bear and paid some neighborhood kid ten bucks to spray paint black splotches on it.” “I’d never want to be with anybody who overpays for an endangered species,” you say, sensually scooting closer to her. Your hand makes a fart sound on the hardwood floor, but Kylie doesn’t seem to notice. (if: $delusional is 0)[Kylie’s cheeks bloom, and you know it’s not just the rapidly growing fire. “So you //do// want to be with me, huh? Well. What are you waiting for?”](else:)[Kylie yawns. Oh no, she's losing interest in the stalker who showed up at her house uninvited. What are you going to do?] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[{(if: $perfenhancement >=8 and $delusional is 0)[[[Use enhanced eyesight to calculate optimal kiss angle->Kylie N3 8 result A]] (colour: $green)[(Drugs ≥ 8) (Romanced Kylie yesterday)]] (elseif: $perfenhancement < 8 and $delusional is 0)[(opacity: 0.5)[<strike>Use enhanced eyesight to calculate optimal kiss angle</strike>] (colour: $red)[(Drugs < 8)] (colour: $green)[(Romanced Kylie yesterday)]] (elseif: $perfenhancement >=8 and $delusional is 1)[(opacity: 0.5)[<strike>Use enhanced eyesight to calculate optimal kiss angle</strike>] (colour: $green)[(Drugs ≥ 8)] (colour: $red)[(Romanced Kylie yesterday)]] (else:)[(opacity: 0.5)[<strike>Use enhanced eyesight to calculate optimal kiss angle</strike>] (colour: $red)[(Drugs < 8) (Romanced Kylie yesterday)]]} [[Extinguish fire as per $heaven Fire Code chpt. III sect. 14-P->Kylie N3 8 result B]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[AT KYLIE'S PLACE] [(set: $kyliewin to 1) STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You can’t believe your ears. “Of course I want you back in Dirtville with me...and my parents,” you say. Kylie breathes a sigh of relief and falls into your arms. After a tender moment ruined only by Kylie’s army of watching butlers, she composes herself. “Now go, you have a baseball game to win. I’ll be there,” she says. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You drive home to rest up for the Dirtville Classic tomorrow.->Game Day 1]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE RESULTS] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You can't ignore the love swelling in your heart any longer. You grab Kylie from the bleachers and rip off her disguise. "I'm in love with a woman from $heaven, and I want the entire world to know!" you shout. A mob forms and immediately chases you and Kylie from the field. Unfortunately, the Dirtville Classic only gets worse from there. Without their fearless leader at the helm, the Worthless Dirt Boys get pummeled by America's Perfect Boys. Not that you'd know—you spend the rest of the day whispering sweet nothings into Kylie's ear in your parents' basement. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You completely forget that Dirtville is now doomed.->Kylie secret ending 1a]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE RESULTS] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You and Kylie spent the rest of the night drinking Dirtville Fizzes, gazing into each others’ eyes, and kissing with entirely too much tongue. Dirtville is burning all around you, but the heat is no match for what's happening in your loins. Eventually, the bartender has to kick you out for public indecency, the first time in the Desperation Inn's 117-year history. As you and Kylie stumble back home through the charred remains of your shared hometown, Kylie announces that she's giving up her life in $heaven...and moving in with //you.// ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You gladly accept her decision.->Kylie secret ending 3]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE RESULTS] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Yes, your charming Romeo & Juliet love story gets a fitting ending, one full of tragedy and regret. Kylie’s makeup business tanks as soon as word gets out that she is moving to Dirtville. And since all of her wealth was in stock options, she effectively goes broke overnight. But don’t worry! You still have each other...until the bills start coming in. You take double shifts in the local uranium mine while Kylie works three jobs just to make ends meet. Once every 18 months, though, your schedules align and you have ten minutes to chit-chat. There's simply no containing you lovebirds! ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You certainly think so.->Kylie secret ending 4]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE RESULTS] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[During the first inning, Jimmy leads a strategy session in the dugout. "If we all play first base, there's no way they'll get a runner past us," he says. Alistair nods cryptically. "While manning every base //is// an overrated tactic, you're missing a critical strategem." He stands, his studded bracelets glinting in the light. "Two baseballs. One real, one fake. America's Perfect Boys won't be able to tell which is which." You wipe a tear of pride from your eye. Thanks to your coaching, it's clear that you've created a team of expert baseballers. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[The Worthless Dirt Boys emerge just in time to avoid forfeiting.->Baseball min ending 2]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE RESULTS] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[The game begins and within a few seconds, it becomes painfully clear that your team has no chance of winning. Admittedly, most people thought you were going to lose the Dirtville Classic this year, but nobody thought it was going to be this bad. Thanks to your insistence on practicing baseball over the past three days instead of pursuing skills that would actually be useful, the Worthless Dirt Boys are utterly crushed. Realizing their baseball strategies are worthless, your team starts playing cricket sometime during the third quarter. You never taught your team how to play cricket. //You// don’t even know how to play cricket. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[It gets worse.->Baseball min ending 3]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE RESULTS] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[The first inning begins about as you expected, which is to say hopelessly, as the Worthless Dirt Boys surrender a dozen runs. "A penny saved is a penny earned," you shout at your players, certain your expert coaching will spark a comeback. Examining the crowd of rough-and-tumble Dirtville lowlifes, you are surprised to see smiles as they watch a stout Perfect Boy hit a grand slam, pushing the score to 16-0. Gradually, you realize they think the game hasn't started yet and that this is some humorous pre-show entertainment. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Well, looking at it from that perspective...->Standard ending 2]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE RESULTS] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Looking at it from that perspective, the act //kills.// Raucous laughter fills the air from both the home and away bleachers. If you weren’t trying to win a high-stakes Little League baseball game, you’d consider this to be an indisputable victory. Unfortunately, when the score hits 30-0 mere minutes into the second inning, the crowd realizes they're watching the Dirtville Classic. They throw their shoes at you in rage, and when you turn to yell at the shoe-throwers, you see your father signing a form to legally disown you. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[A single tear rolls down your cheek.->Standard ending 3]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE RESULTS] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[The first inning begins about as you expected it would, with the Worthless Dirt Boys down twelve runs. "Keep it respectable, boys!" you shout. "A comeback is always a theoretical possibility!" After a particularly toned player on the opposing team hits a grand slam, pulling the score to 15-0, something strange happens. Joey "Horseface" Rockwell pulls a pistol out of his back pocket and shoots the next batter in the head. The opponent collapses, dead. A rancorous cheer emerges from Dirtville.] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[The umpire allows the murder.->Violence max ending 2]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE RESULTS] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Even with a dead player, America's Perfect Boys are still too much to handle. Three innings in, and you're down 22-0. You hear the revving of the chainsaw before you see it. When the dust settles, you're only mildly surprised to see Alistair standing between the split torsos of three opponents. Stacy, never one to back down from a fight, doesn't need any weapons to commit her atrocities. She begins scalping batters with nothing but her bare fingernails.] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Slowly, the tide begins to turn.->Violence max ending 3]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE RESULTS] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[By the fifth inning, only one brave member of America's Perfect Boys is still standing. Surrounded by dead bodies, he's somehow still better than your team, pushing the score to 24-0. And that's when Jimmy, the perfect goody two-shoes, unloads an atomic bomb from a small wheelbarrow. Jimmy spits blood onto the pale dirt with an aura of menace you've never seen before, including when you met Satan. "Either Dirtville wins, or we all die," says the eleven year old. He brandishes a large red button and gestures to the gleaming shell encasing the bomb.] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [["You win," stammers the opposing player.->Violence max ending 4]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE RESULTS] [{(ach-add: "I Am Become Death, Dirt-stroyer of Worlds")(set: $gameclear to 1)} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[After Jimmy detonated his atomic bomb, the U.S. president was convinced it was an act of international terrorism perpetrated by Nambia. When he ordered an invasion of the tiny African country, NATO forces felt obligated to defend it, even though it doesn't actually exist. The fallout from the ensuing nuclear war destroyed Earth. A band of scientists managed to escape to Mars, but there aren't enough of them to continue the human race. Well, you won the Dirtville Classic, but lost humanity. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Achievement unlocked: I Am Become Death, Dirt-stroyer of Worlds)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Thanks for playing! Try again for a different ending?->START MENU]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE RESULTS] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[The first inning begins worse than you expected, as only two of your players are even on the field. You watch in dismay as the unstoppable Perfect Boys rack up runs. You call out to Jimmy and the scarecrow. "Where is everyone?" Jimmy winks at you. "Don't worry, coach, we've got a plan!"] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[A familiar presence distracts you from your anger.->Magic max ending 2]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE RESULTS] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You cough as Satan appears in a considerably less dramatic fashion than last time. His eyes look frantic, and not because he is simultaneously witnessing all of humanity's atrocities occur in real time. "$name! What in my own name is your team doing?" You blink at the fallen angel. "We're losing a dang baseball game, that's what we're doing!" Satan opens his dark void of a mouthhole to argue, but stops. "Oh no. I'm too late," he says quietly.] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[An enormous, slimy tentacle bursts out of the ground.->Magic max ending 3]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE RESULTS] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[The squirming, purple tentacle glints in the bright morning sun. Acidic slime oozes off the fleshy limb, immediately killing the entirety of America's Perfect Boys. Jimmy claps. "We did it! We won!" He throws a fist triumphantly into the air, inadvertently shooting a bolt of magical lightning skyward. The rest of your team runs onto the field. Everyone celebrates as the ground quakes and splits from more emerging tentacles. You look for the coach of America's Perfect Boys so you can brag, but he's already been melted by acid. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Even more tentacles spring up from the ground.->Magic max ending 4]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE RESULTS] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[The first inning begins and it's immediately clear your players aren't focused on the game. In fact, each is in their own world—whether that's a world induced by cocaine, meth, or some other illicit substance. "I'm high on life!" shouts Jimmy, his face a faint purple hue. Joey "Horse Face" shakes his head. "No, I gave you PCP." Stacy grunts under the weight of a ninety-five foot long needle. All of America's Perfect Boys eye her warily as they jog around the bases. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [["Stacy, what the hell is that?" you ask.->Drugs max ending 2]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE RESULTS] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")["It takes a lot to get her high," says Joey "Horse Face" as a Perfect Boy sneaks from first to home, pushing the score to 31-0. Stacy tries to inject herself, but the needle slips out of her hand and plunges into the Earth. Ten million gallons of Dr. Payne's illegal "DROOG OF MYSTERY" are injected directly into the planet core. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[A subtle rumbling shifts the ground under your feet.->Drugs max ending 3]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[AFTER PRACTICE] [{(set: $day to "Night 3")(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(track: 'event', 'fadeout', 5)]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Congrats, you survived your third and final day of training before the Dirtville Classic. (If: $invite is 1 and $dinnerdate is 1 and $delusional is 0)[You still hear Kylie's voice in your head, inviting you to her house for dinner. You can't wait! You're so excited about tonight that you can almost hide your fear about the OPTIONS MENU. What kind of cursed object is this, that it can literally rewind time to this morning before practice?](elseif: $invite is 1 and $dinnerdate is 1 and $delusional is 1)[You can't stop thinking about Kylie, the way she literally ran away from your date last night in a fit of uncontained passion. You're sure she wants a third date. In her excitement, she just forgot to tell you a time, location, or activity. Yeah, that's it. You're so preoccupied with finding out where Kylie's house is in $heaven that you almost forget about the OPTIONS MENU. The magical object can somehow rewind time to the beginning of the day, but it still can't make your father love you.](else:)[You cannot stop thinking about the Dirt Plod. Another part of you is equally obsessed with the OPTIONS MENU. You can use it to reset this entire day. It's literally a life-changing object. You have no idea why God blessed you with its existence.] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[(if: $dinnerdate is 1)[[[Prep for night at Kylie's house->Kylie N3 1]] (colour: $green)[(Went to $heaven)] (opacity: 0.5)[<strike>Prep for romantic night in Dirtville</strike>] (colour: $red)[(Didn't stay at field last night)]](elseif: $invite is 0 and $meetplod is 1)[(opacity: 0.5)[<strike>Prep for night at Kylie's house</strike>] (colour: $red)[(Not invited to $heaven)] [[Prep for date with the Dirt Plod->Plod N3 1]] (colour: $green)[(Stayed at field last night)]](elseif: $invite is 1 and $meetplod is 1)[(opacity: 0.5)[<strike>Prep for night at Kylie's house</strike>] (colour: $red)[(Didn't go to $heaven)] [[Prep for date with the Dirt Plod->Plod N3 1]] (colour: $green)[(Stayed at field last night)]](elseif: $meetplod is 1)[(opacity: 0.5)[<strike>Prep for night at Kylie's house</strike>] (colour: $red)[(Didn't go to $heaven)] [[Prep for date with the Dirt Plod->Plod N3 1]] (colour: $green)[(Stayed at field last night)]](else:)[] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[AFTER PRACTICE] [{(set: $day to "Night 1")(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(track: 'event', 'fadeout', 5)]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Congrats, you survived a day of training the Worthless Dirt Boys for the Dirtville Classic. You need a very, very stiff drink. You decide to go to the bar. Before you do, you consider using the ham-fisted RESET DAY game mechanic in the fourth wall-breaking OPTIONS MENU to redo today's training events. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You head to the bar.->Kylie N1 1]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[AFTER PRACTICE] [{(set: $day to "Night 2")(if: (history:)'s last is "Options Menu")[](else:)[(track: 'event', 'fadeout', 5)]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Congrats, you survived your second day of training the Worthless Dirt Boys. (If: $invite is 1)[You'd usually go to the Desperation Inn and drink your sorrows away right about now, but you can't forget Kylie's invite to hang out in $heaven with her. Should you take her up on it?](else:)[You'd usually go to the Desperation Inn and drink your sorrows away right about now, but your current sorrows happen to be about what happened at that very place last night.] Before proceeding, you debate whether you should use your mythical OPTIONS MENU to relive your second day of training. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ (if: $invite is 1)[[[Prepare for your date in $heaven->Kylie N2 1]] (colour: $green)[(Invited to $heaven)] [[Stay at the field and sulk->Plod N2 1]]](else:)[(opacity: 0.5)[<strike>Prepare for your date in $heaven</strike>] (colour: $red)[(Not invited to $heaven)] [[Stay at the field and sulk->Plod N2 1]]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE RESULTS] [{(ach-add: "Winners Don't Not Use Drugs")(set: $gameclear to 1)} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Although Alistair ends up single-handedly carrying the team to victory thanks to being 'roided out of his mind, it doesn't matter anymore. Within hours, all plantlife becomes too stoned to grow anymore, essentially destroying Earth's ecosystem. Humanity is doomed, but Dirtville isn't at this particular moment. You have beaten $heaven for the first time in 34 years. After the game, you moon the opposing coach. You're not sure why you did that, but suspect that someone on the team slipped you a drug. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Achievement unlocked: Winners Don't Not Use Drugs)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Thanks for playing! Try again for a different ending?->START MENU]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

Build 29: 4-29-21 + Added achievement code to all endings, renamed a few for maximum lulz + Extended build notes to second passage because all the text was getting hella laggy Build 30: 4-29-21 + Added Day 2 and Day 3 Morning Hub passages + Added checkpoints via (save-game) macro to Intro 4, Day 2 morning hub, Day 3 morning hub, and Game Day 1 + Added code to Intro 1 to initialize all variables so players starting a new game from previous completion will have fresh stats, story progression, etc. + Deleted Ending Decider passage + Added CSS to Stylesheet to get rid of back and forward arrows via hiding the sidebar + Improved formatting and functionality of the "Check achievements" passsage + Created Options Menu passage and Options menu achievements passage + Added a `$day` variable to track which day the player is on, useful for the Options menu + Made the link for the options menu work for Intro 1, 2, 3, 4 for testing purposes Build 31: 4-29-2021 + Changed widths of main menu, stats, options, header sections + Added colors to each for readability + Changed font size for Stats section + Changed margins on main, options, header - Temporarily removed: tw-sidebar { display: none; } Build 32: 4-29-2021 + Adjusted Event 6, D(R)OWN BY THE RIVER. Changed one result to focus it on magic as a complete rewrite Switched the current magic option to perf. enhancement. Adjusted intro text Build 33: 4-29-2021 + Reorganized night 1 passages to Sinkhole Rigamarole D(R)OWN BY THE RIVER Milkman Cometh He's A Shoe-In Thanks Mr. Roboto MVP Pudding is for Borbo + Adjusted stat checks for Kylie and Dirt Plod paths Build 34: 4-30-2021 + Moved code that links passages to Options Menu passage into a single footer passage; now all passages should have acces to Options Menu without breaking Twine + Added Max stat checker footer passage to automatically check for a state of max stats in every passage, give a funny alert, and then not show again until a new game + Added code to stat changes that prevent increase if max is already achieved (added up to Event 12 result A to test...will finish copy paste if we agree to do it) + Made stat change text flash, as well as achievement notifications + Readjusted code that changes stat variables to now NOT increase again if player is coming back to passage from options page (DID NOT PASTE IT INTO EVERY PASSAGE YET) Build 35: 4-30-2021 + Changed MVP and Borbo order + Reduced length of intro 1 passage + Remove two test checks in the Plod path where I was adding stats Build 36: 5-3-2021 + Finished pasting code to prevent stat increases/decreases from exceeding maximum/minimum into all relevant passages + Finished pasting code to prevent stats from increasing again if returning from the Options menu into all relevant passages Build 37: 5-4-2021 + Standard ending redone + Changed the game day 4 so it shows all endings Build 38: + Standard ending finished + Baseball Min ending redone + Added Options Menu reminders in the night hub Build 39: 5-12-21 + Removed color differentiation for already-visited links + Added color-coded stat feedback to night choices and greyed out unavailable option (only in Kylie path N1 so far) Build 40: 5-12-21 + Added color-coded stat feedback to all night choices + Fixed Baseball stat change macro so it goes negative now (stopping at the negative value of the regular stat max) + Removed unnecessary HAL audio tracks from the landing page + Moved the macro to set click sound volume to the Startup passage + Added instant return to Dirtville after failing in Night 2 stat gate 1 + Added new copy to reflect the above in Night hub 3 Build 41: 5-12-21 + Added Kylie delusional storyline to all of night 2 and 3, just needs a coding check Build 42: 5-12-21 + Fixed bug with statmax variable that was preventing stats from increasing and decreasing Build 43: 5-18-21 + Deleted padding-top from Options CSS object in stylesheet + Changed "write" to "note" in last sentence in passage Event 17 result B + Fixed formatting issues in passage Kylie N2 8 + Added instant fails (go directly to next day) to bad choices in Kylie N2 and N3 paths Build 44: 5-20-21 + Swapped "Improve" for "Enhance" in Event 5 choice B + Adjusted Event 18 result C option and result copy + Adjusted Event 1 result B option and result copy, including changing Performance Enhancement to "Drugs" + Adjusted copy in Event 13a, Event 13 result B option and result + Shortened options in Event 8 + Punched up body text in Event 14a and Event 14b (options unchanged) + Punced up body text in Event 17a and Event 17 result B + Adjusted options text in Event 3, changed Performance enhancement to "Drugs" + Adjusted options in Event 7 and body text in Event 7a + Punched up every passage of Event 15's body text and options + Punched up body text for Event 23 result B and Event 23 result C + Punched up body text in Event 21 result B and rest of Event 21 Build 45: 5-21-21 + Added (set) macros to the Night passages so the Options menu will show Night 1, 2, 3, etc instead of Day as appropriate + Deleted the "Night x" from the Night passage headers since they won't be necessary due to readout in options menu (and special UI) + Changed header in the morning hubs to "BEFORE PRACTICE" to align better with the night hubs' "AFTER PRACTICE" + Deleted some stat increase code in some Dirt Plod N2 and N3 passages + Heavily edited and punched up Kylie secret ending + Policed my, frankly absurd, overuse of em dashes...also changed them to actual em dashes and unified our usage (deleted spaces before and after the character) + Changed link from last practice of each day to Night Hub passages to "Practice ends for the day." Build 46: + Changed line height for stats and adjusted them + Added drug references and changed performance enhancement boosts to drug boosts in all remaining drug events + Revised In The Red Build 47: 5-25-21 + Updated Plod N3 12 choice to take plod variable into consideration + Fixed Options Menu link and stacked text into 2 lines in Intro 1 and Intro 2 only + Added link to Hershall's Twitter in the Options Menu credit Build 48: 5-26-21 + Reverted Options Menu link formatting change made in build 47 + Built Credits passage accessible via Start Menu + Game now saves in Intro 1 if player already has save file, so we immediately overwrite previous save instead of waiting until Intro 4 + Coded Start menu's New Game and Load Game options with confirmation of save overwrite, greyed out if no save file to load, etc. + Changed name of pagan god in Sinkhole Rigamarole + Created Build notes 3 for Build 49 and forward

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[BEFORE PRACTICE] [{(Save-game: "File A")(set: $day to "Day 2")(track: 'dirtville night', 'fadeout', 1)(track: 'new heaven', 'fadeout', 1)(track: 'event', 'fadeout', 1)} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You wake after a fitful sleep about Kylie and the Dirtville Classic. Turns out, it's hard to get good rest when the fate of your entire hometown is riding on you and a raggedy band of children. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[`<Game saved>`] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You head to practice.->Event 18]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[BEFORE PRACTICE] [{(Save-game: "File A")(set: $day to "Day 3")(track: 'dirtville night', 'fadeout', 1)(track: 'new heaven', 'fadeout', 1)(track: 'event', 'fadeout', 1)} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You sleep well, considering the most important baseball game of your life is tomorrow. Unfortunately, good sleep for you still means waking up naked on your roof with your least-favorite pillow. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[`<Game saved>`] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You head to practice.->Event 17]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[OPTIONS] [{(if: (history:)'s last is "Options menu achievements")[](else:)[(set: $return to (history:)'s last)]} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[<h3>(print: $day)</h3> (if: $return is "Intro 1" or "Intro 2" or "Intro 3" or "Intro 4")[(opacity: 0.5)[<strike>Reset day</strike>]](else:)[(link: "Reset Day")[(load-game: "File A")]] [[Check achievements->Options menu achievements]] (link: "Return to title")[(set: $titlereturn to 1)(go-to: "START MENU")] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[(colour: #FFF84E)[ Written + designed by (link-repeat: "Neil Floyd")[(open-url: "https://www.neilfloyd.net")] and (link-repeat: "Hershall Cook")[(open-url: "https://twitter.com/hershallcook?lang=en")]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ (link-goto: "Close menu", $return)]

(click: "Options Menu")[(go-to: "Options Menu")]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE RESULTS] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Fighting back tears, you wrack your brain for a strategy that could help your team. Your face lights up as the solution comes to you. "Speak softly and carry a big stick," you call out to your team, grinning madly. "And that big stick is a baseball club!" One of America's Perfect Boys snorts with mirth. "You know it's called a baseball bat, right?" ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You did not know that and thank him for the insight.->Standard ending 4]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE RESULTS] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[The rest of the game passes in a blur as America's Perfect Boys stomp your team into a metaphorical pulp—except for Georgie, who is stomped into a literal pulp when America's Perfect Boys' comically muscular shortstop charges home plate and collides with him. By the time the umpire invokes Little League's mercy rule, the score is 55 - 1. To make matters worse, the one run you were awarded was actually a mistake by the scoreboard operator who felt too bad to fix it. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [["Close game," you tell the team.->Standard ending 5]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE RESULTS] [{(ach-add: "You Think You Deserve an Achievement for Losing?")(set: $gameclear to 1)} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Dirtville promptly explodes into riots and looting after the defeat. Thanks to the efforts of America's Perfect Boys, who spend the rest of the day pummelling malnourished rioters for batting practice, you and your players manage to escape with your lives. Unable to show your face in Dirtville any longer, you run for the Mexican border. You are last seen hitchhiking outside of Reynosa, offering baseball training to the local children in exchange for food and water. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Achievement unlocked: You Think You Deserve an Achievement for Losing?)]] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Thanks for playing! Try again for a different ending?->START MENU]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE RESULTS] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[At one point, Jimmy inexplicably takes the field in ice skates, armed with a jai alai //xistera//. Stacy starts wearing a baseball glove on each hand and both feet. Alistair equips himself with a fencing outfit and sword, but doesn’t even do anything useful like stab the umpire. The final score is 126 - N/A, though the scoreboard operator stopped updating the numbers after the first two minutes of the game. "Well," you tell Borbo, "it could've been a lot worse." ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[The end of the game is only the beginning of your problems.->Baseball min ending 4]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE RESULTS] [{(ach-add: "For the Love of the Game")(set: $gameclear to 1)} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Following the defeat, Dirtville promptly explodes into riots and looting. You beg the near-omnipotent America's Perfect Boys to quell the riots, but they refuse because you made them wait at the start of the game. The few Dirtville residents who aren't rioting still blame you. Expecting lean times now that Dirtville's economy has collapsed, they capture and slowly eat you for nourishment. You devoted your life to baseball. What did you expect? (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Achievement unlocked: For the Love of the Game)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Thanks for playing! Try again for a different ending?->START MENU]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[(uppercase: $heaven) NIGHTLIFE] [(set: $delusional to 1) STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[You have plenty to think about on your drive home, aside from the multiple gunshot wounds that the $heaven cops will face absolutely zero consequences for. The date could've gone better, you admit. But Kylie must've been so impressed by your deference to law enforcement that she ran away to hide her true feelings. Yes, that's it! Kylie was sending a clear message. She wants you, bad. It'll have to wait until tomorrow night, though, since an important day of practice is ahead of you. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You make it home safely.->Day 3 morning hub]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE RESULTS] [ STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Yes, Dirtville is doomed. The final nail in the thrift-store coffin has been hammered in. You and Kylie can tell the final Dirtville Classic is over when the riots start. But you won't let a bit of civil unrest get in the way of your newfound relationship. You whisk her way to the Desperation Inn. Only fitting, considering how this is the place where your love story started. Though rioters have broken every window and set the roof on fire, the Desperation Inn is still open. Honestly, you barely notice. ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[You open the partially destroyed door for Kylie.->Kylie secret ending 2]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE RESULTS] [{(ach-add: "Love Means Always Having to Say You're Sorry")(set: $gameclear to 1)} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[Years later, you and Kylie adopt a hunter-gatherer lifestyle to survive in the charred carcass of Dirtville. Without the money from the Dirtville Classic, the entire town collapsed into a lawless, post-apocalyptic hellscape. Still, there's no bonding experience quite like hauling a FEMA supply drop from the Dirtville sewers while being pursued by bloodthirsty, irradiated mudweasels. You and Kylie's relationship is stronger than ever. Well, at least stronger than the eight-legged squirrel you're having for dinner. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Achievement unlocked: Love Means Always Having to Say You're Sorry)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Thanks for playing! Try again for a different ending?->START MENU]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

{<h3>WORDS</h3> (set: $credits to (random: 1, 2))(if: $credits is 1)[(link-repeat: "Neil Floyd")[(open-url: "https://www.neilfloyd.net")] and (link-repeat: "Hershall Cook")[(open-url: "https://twitter.com/hershallcook?lang=en")]](else:)[(link-repeat: "Hershall Cook")[(open-url: "https://twitter.com/hershallcook?lang=en")] and (link-repeat: "Neil Floyd")[(open-url: "https://www.neilfloyd.net")]]} {<h3>SOUNDS</h3> (link-repeat: "Alex P. Grover")[(open-url: "https://www.alexpgrover.com/")]} {<h3>IMAGES</h3> (link-repeat: "Drawgonian")[(open-url: "https://www.artstation.com/drawgonian")]} //{Font "Reem Kufi" designed by (link-repeat: "Khaled Hosny")[(open-url: "https://twitter.com/KhaledGhetas")] and used as stipulated under the (link-repeat: "Open Font License")[(open-url: "https://scripts.sil.org/cms/scripts/page.php?site_id=nrsi&id=OFL")]}// [[Return to title->START MENU]] {(track: 'event', 'fadeout', 1)(track: 'credits', 'fadein', 1)(track: 'credits', 'loop', false)}

Build 49: 5-28-21 + Added notifications to body text when player obtains invite to $heaven and invite to Kylie's house in the Kylie night path + Deleted false choice at end of Kylie path, now players can only get to options to encourage Kylie to move to Dirtville or stay in $heaven if they pass all stat checks + Added colored feedback to option in Night Hub 2 to make it really clear if the player messed up in Night 1 (experimental idea, not discussed with Hershall yet) + Fixed some errant text in Kylie N1 path + Adjusted copy in alert for reaching maximum drugs + Punched up Baseball min ending + Tweaked copy and formatting for option in the last passage of endings + Cleaned up final stat checks in Kylie path and Dirt Plod path to represent all possible combinations of requirements (have proper stats but didn't romance in N2, have all requirements, etc.) + Split final passage in Magic max ending into two passages + Fixed Game Day 4 passage so options work correctly now + Fixed text overruns in Event 18, Event 20, Kylie N2 4 + Tweaked Event 4 Magic option to be more clear + Changed joke in Magic max popup to mention Cthulhu + Fixed spelling of Cthulhu in Magic max ending Build 50: 6-1-21 + Fixed text overruns in all events Christian wrote + Fixed text overruns in Game Day passages + Changed all instances of "towards" to "toward" globally + Added variable to track if player has already seen America's Perfect Boys in $heaven during Kylie N2 path, and change text appropriately in Game Day 3 passage Build 51: 6-1-2021 + Added background support for Dirtville Day (bg_event), Dirtville night (bg_dnight), New Heaven (bg_hnight), and Dirtville Game Day (bg_gameday) +Added sample passage with ideal formatting -Removed default colors from background Build 52: 6-2-2021 + Added code to play appropriate music at a appropriate time; will need one more pass to fine tune audio levels and transitions when final music tracks are available + Fixed CSS code error in all Kylie path N2 and N3 that was preventing the New Heaven background image from populating + Tweaked link at end of passage Plod N2 ending B 1 Build 53: 6-2-2021 + Tweaked body text and choices in Intro passages, QA'd them as well (stats formatting still broken) + QA'd all Endings and Game Day passages (stats formatting still broken and Choices formatting broken in Game Day 4) Build 54: 6-4-2021 + QA'd all of Day 1 + Fixed choices formatting in Intro passages + QA'd all of Plod N2 + QA'd Morning Hub 3 Build 55: 6-5-2021 + Fixed Stats Build 56: 6-6-2021 + QA'd Day 2 events (haven't fixed stats formatting yet) + Fixed stats formatting for Event 6 Build 57: 6-6-2021 + QA'd Plod path N3 and ending (did not fix stats formatting yet) Build 58: 6-7-2021 + Fixed stats formatting for Day 1, Day 2, Plod path N2, Intro, Game Day, and Endings Build 62: 6-18-2021 -Deleted Kylie Kylie N1 8b and Kylie N1 9b -Event 23 edited -Event 19 edited heavily +Removed background for Event 14, to emphasize Satan's arrival +Tons of little fixes +Changed event 1 to be closer to original +Changed Yesterday is Today to be closer to original +Changed Game Day 4 Options so they all fit on one page Build 63: 6-21-2021 + Removed extraneous (click) macros for Options Menu link at bottom of Intro passages and Event 4 (not necessary anymore because that link now lives in a footer) + Fixed formatting in Options Menu passages and Check Achievements pasage + Added CSS in stylesheet to change link colors and other properties via a passage's tag (passages tagged "event" can now have specific link formatting, for example)...see now how the intro passages tagged "event" along with Options Menu passages and Event 4 passages for example; will need to manually paste in the "event" tag for all daytime events if we use this method + Changed click sound code in Hal.tracks passage to point to new click sound provided by Alex; still need to set final volume level based on his final music tracks + Edited Night Hubs to show both choices for both paths; added option for player to get on Plod path on Night 2 even if they have invite to new heaven + Night hubs and morning hubs are now silent to give player an audial break; appropriate music now fades in on the immediate next passage + Fixed choices formatting errors in Kylie path passages + Deleted text artifact from Salem's Yacht passages + Tweaked audio code in Intro 4 so it will stop Dirtville Night theme if player resets day during one of the Night 1 passages Build 64: 6-22-2021 + Small copy tweaks to Options Achievement Menu + Small adjustments to fade out times in Night Hub passages + Added extra conditional to Night Hub 3 to change copy if if player got invited to new heaven but jumped on plod path instead + Tweaked audio code so Game Day 1 is silent to give audial space and gravity to the scene; game day music fades in during next passage Build 65: +Added title screen and menu - Removed old formatting from START MENU

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[THE RESULTS] [{(ach-add: "Just Call Me H. P. Lovecrap")(set: $gameclear to 1)} STATS (print: $violence)`/13` (print: $magic)`/13` (print: $perfenhancement)`/13` (print: $baseball)`/13`] (css: "font-size: 75%;")["Don't look at me, your magic got us into this mess," Satan says, quivering. He opens a portal back to hell. "Thanks for ruining existence!" You turn to your team, an overwhelming cocktail of emotions and arcane power coursing through your veins. "No matter what happens next, we'll always have this win!" What happens next is that you are slaves to Cthulhu for eternity. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[(Achievement unlocked: Just Call Me H. P. Lovecrap)] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;")[ [[Thanks for playing! Try again for a different ending?->START MENU]] ] (css: "font-size: 75%;") [ Options Menu]

Build 66: 6-23-21 + Created new passage for build notes...again + Changed options menu achievements passage to match the one you get to from the title screen + Removed "test" tag from Start Menu passage + Added CSS to stylesheet so we can change link color in start menu passage by tagging it "startmenu" + Tweaked event font (Default and visited and hover states) to Saad's yellow with no bold and CSS stroke workaround + Changed start menu link color to white default + white visited...still need to decide on hover color (if any) + Added "event" tag to all daytime event passages + Fixed various typos in Day 3 events and formatting errors in Day 2 events Build 67: 6-29-2021 +Fixed two outstanding bugs on Day 3 +Fixed Drugs ending having too low a requirement Build 68: 8-19-21 + Added final music except Game Day (waiting on final file as of this build) to hal.tracks passage + Set final audio levels in Startup passage + Adjusted copy on landing page passage + Fixed bug that caused Game Day track to not loop during Game Day sections + Fixed a bug that could infrequently cause music to stop completely when resetting day from options menu + Added CSS to stylesheet to remove forward/back arrows Build 69: 8-19-21 + Tweaked audio transition when BG-Event is playing and player returns to title menu via options menu Build 70: 8-20-21 + Changed Alex's name in credits + Re-finalized Game Day music levels based on Alex's final version of track + Fixed a bunch of typos with speech tags and The Beatles captilization and punctuation marks in quotation marks + Fixed bug in morning hub 2 that incorrectly set the day variable to Day 3 instead of Day 2 + Fixed "Practice continues..." formatting error in Drugs ending of Georgie the Idiot + Deleted Sample Passage Build 71: 8-20-21 + Various typo fixes Build 72: 8-22-21 + More typo fixes Build 73: 9-14-21 + Fixed bug that was not resetting dinnerdate variable at start of new game + Removed bug that set invite variable to 1 in Event 14 result B Build 74: 9-14-21 + Added code to start menu passage to ensure Dirtville Night track also stops playing when returning to it from passage that has that track playing + Added code to Startup passage that correctly initializes the plod variable